What Is Sex Anxiety And How Can You Deal With It? We Asked An Expert To Find Out
Anxiety comes in many forms and affects people differently. While we tend to think of anxiety as something that happens when we're dealing with work-related issues, that's certainly not the only time that you might find yourself gripped by waves of anxiousness. In fact, anxiety can pop up during happy life events and, sometimes, it can even rear its ugly head when you're in the throes of sex.
Because the biggest sexual organ is the brain, it makes perfect sense that sex anxiety would exist. According to a 2019 study published in Sexual Medicine Reviews, sexual performance anxiety affects 25% of cisgender men and 16% of cisgender women, making it not completely uncommon. But that's not the only type of sex-related anxiety that someone can experience. Post-coital dysphoria, a form of anxiety (and even depression) that occurs after sex, and sexual aversion disorder (SAD), an anxiety that can arise at the mere thought of sexual activity, are two others.
In these three cases, the symptoms are very similar to other types of anxiety: tightness of the chest, nervousness, irritability, sweating, and nausea. But as annoying as these things might be, sex anxiety can happen to anyone and is nothing to be ashamed of at all. To gain a deeper understanding of sex anxiety and how to better deal with it, Women exclusively talked to the founder and CEO of Embrace Sexual Wellness, Dr. Jennifer Litner, who shared with us how to get control of it should it happen to you.
Identify the source of the anxiety
According to Dr. Litner, try to identify the source of the anxiety. As she explained, being able to do this can be helpful, because a "tailored approach tends to work best" for these things. However, for some, it's not always easy to identify the source of anxiety. If you suffer from generalized anxiety, in which every day for six months or longer is a struggle to maintain mental stability, or if you have trauma in your past, then pinpointing the source could be simple, but also requires more work. If your anxiety doesn't stem from either of those possibilities, then it could be the result of stress, mood, or similar factors.
"There's no one-size-fits-all approach to anxiety since each person has a unique sexual history that may inform the appropriate coping skills they need to manage their anxiety," said Dr. Litner. It's with this in mind that, when you think you're getting close to the reason behind your sex anxiety, you take the necessary steps to help you overcome it. For example, if it's steeped in a traumatic past, seeking professional help is going to be your best bet.
Practice mindfulness
While we may hear a lot about the practice of mindfulness these days, it really is an important asset when dealing with any sort of anxiety, including sex anxiety. "Practicing reassurance, cognitive restructuring exercises, relaxation, and mindfulness skills can help people cope with sex-related anxiety," said Dr. Litner.
If you know that you're prone to sex anxiety, then take the time beforehand to put your mind at ease. Meditation that influences mindfulness, yoga positions that relax your body and mind as well as open the heart, and even taking a few minutes to practice positive self-talk can set the tone and prepare you for a sexual experience that won't be so heavily bogged down with anxiety.
"Some [people] have the misconception that mindfulness means they need to sit cross-legged, eyes closed, and ready to commit to at least 10 to 15 minutes," licensed clinical psychologist Hemisha Patel Urgola, PsyD told Self. But you really don't. You only need a couple of minutes to "just be," as Urgola said, pointing out that in doing so, "our mind unclutters itself from all the noise for a little bit."
Refocus your sexual goals
As wonderful and satisfying as sex can be, somewhere along the line our culture became more obsessed with the outcome of it (the orgasm), as opposed to the journey. Because our society is so orgasm-focused, it's enough to give anyone, even those who aren't prone to sex anxiety, something to worry about. That's why you need to rewrite your sexual narrative.
"Redirecting your attention to the present sensations in your body and focusing on sexually-appealing stimuli can be helpful in the moment," Dr. Litner exclusively told Women. "Before sex, setting an intention that is not related to an outcome can be helpful. For example, an intention could be focusing on pleasure or connection instead of orgasm or lubrication."
Sex is complicated. If it were just bodies coming together to evoke pleasure, it would be easy, but because the brain is involved, sex can include a whole slew of emotions, and anxiety can very much be one of them. But, no matter what you're feeling during or after sex, mentally speaking, know that you're not alone. And should things reach a point where you're struggling to keep your anxiety in check more often than not, then reach out to a mental health professional. They will teach you the necessary tools to enjoy sex again in a healthy, happy, and anxiety-reduced way.