Hypergamy Is The Dating Trend Enhancing Connections - And Lives

As nice as it would be to meet people free of any and all expectation, dating trends — good or bad — aren't going anywhere. Yes, you woke up this morning still living in a world where toxic trends like submarining and the oh-so popular ghosting still exist. Tragic, we know.

New to the never-ending list of dating trends is hypergamy. But whether or not it's toxic is up for debate. While the term might be new to you, the concept isn't — it simply means marrying or dating up, so to speak. "[Hypergamy] can be traced back to castes in Hindu society," social worker Shamyra Howard tells Cosmopolitan. "Hypergamy is essentially a patriarchal constructed form of partnership from a time when women had very little education, weren't able to work, and needed their partner for survival ... Marriage for love is a new concept." 

While the roots of hypergamy go way back and the reason for it can't be disputed, some have found the modern version of the trend to be beneficial. According to 2024 survey by Seeking.com, a dating site that's proudly "founded on the principle of hypergamy," 47% of respondents have a positive opinion of hypergamy, while 45% believe it's okay to use the first date as a place to show off success and money. To learn the nuances behind the trend, Women spoke exclusively to Nicole Moore, founder and CEO of Love Works Method and celebrity love and relationship coach. She told us everything you need to know about hypergamy and whether or not it's for you.

Let's be honest: people have been dating "up" since the beginning of time. Even though women don't need men for survival anymore, it doesn't stop some from looking for more successful and richer men. All you have to do is look at the myriad of age-gap relationships where much older and richer people (yes, usually men, but not always) date those who are decades younger than them and who are presumably less wealthy. 

No matter how you slice it, these relationships provide a win-win for the two people involved. One gets to enjoy the security that money and a more established person can provide, while the other gets to have a young, carefree partner who looks good on their arm. The key to keeping relationships like this healthy is transparency, Nicole Moore exclusively tells Women. 

"Intention and integrity are key to understanding whether it's wrong to engage in hypergamy and date for reasons other than love," Moore says. "As long as one is honest about their intentions and doesn't deceive their romantic prospects by pretending to be someone they're not, there's truly nothing inherently wrong with hypergamy." Although the romantics will tell you that relationships should be all about love, that's not the case for everyone. And as Moore points out, love doesn't necessarily determine one's happiness and relationship satisfaction.

Whenever someone who doesn't have much wealth or affluence starts dating a richer person, the first term that comes to many people's minds is "gold digger" — especially if that person is woman. What's important to realize about hypergamy is that both partners are on board with what's happening.

"The issue with 'gold diggers' or 'social climbers' often comes down to hidden intentions, lying, and deceit," says Nicole Moore. "If one is honest about their desire to be with someone of a higher social or economic status and they don't try to hide their intentions, then they are absolutely operating within integrity and simply finding a relationship that aligns with their highest values."

How you date and who you date is your business. No one has the right to decide what you want from your life and how you choose to live that life. "As long as your decision to look for love with a hypergamous approach isn't hurting anyone, you should feel free to go for it if that kind of relationship is a match for your value system," says Moore.

Of the many things that can spark arguments in relationships, money is always at the top. In a 2021 survey by the American Institute of CPAs, 73% of couples who live together pointed to money as the main reason for arguments and tension. The same survey also found that for 47% of the respondents, money-related fighting disrupts their sex life. So if you take money problems out the equation, what do you get? Well, basic math will say less arguing.

"Dating with a hypergamous approach and ensuring that you marry someone in good socioeconomic standing may actually be a way to prevent a divorce due to money troubles in the future," Nicole Moore tells Women. Not only can one partner's wealth possibly save a relationship, but with hypergamy, you're dating with intention. You have your eye on the ball, know exactly what you want, and you're not going to waver. When one sticks to their non-negotiables, they're likely to be happier with themselves and their relationship, because they know they didn't settle.

"Dating with a hypergamous approach means that most people will simply not make the cut, which means that you'll probably spend less time on wasted dates and more time focused on activities that truly make you happy while you're in the process of finding your person," says Moore. "Mis-matched ambition levels is often a recipe for resentment in long-term relationships so finding someone as driven and goal-oriented as you are might lead to more happiness long term than being with someone whose ambition level is less than yours."

Everything in life comes with some downsides, and hypergamy is no different. For people who practice hypergamy, the biggest risk is forgetting about love entirely and the fact that it, too, is an important component of a relationship. 

"If you focus only on the hypergamy aspect and not on also finding a partner who you have a true romantic connection with, you might find yourself eventually disappointed by the relationship and craving real intimacy and connection," says Nicole Moore. Because of this, if you're going to engage in hypergamy, you need to find a healthy balance that fulfills all of you. Marrying for money and affluence is great, but not at the expense of your emotional and mental needs.

You could also run into the possibility of missing out on someone fantastic simply because they don't currently have the social or economic status that you want. Hypergamous relationships can also suffer from power dynamics if you're not actively staying on the same playing field. "If your partner sees you as lesser than they are or doesn't share their status or wealth with you freely but rather uses them as a means of control, you may soon find yourself deeply unhappy," Moore says. "It's critically important that you look for someone with a heart, not just status." The hypergamic approach can also lead to a smaller pool of options, which can make someone feel lonely or misunderstood. That's why it's essential you truly believe you can find someone who fits your criteria, so you don't give up on your search.

If you've realized that hypergamy is for you, then you want to go about it mindfully. Which means you'll not only recognize your intentions, but communicate them to the people you're dating. "Unlike the path of simply falling in love with whoever catches your heart, a hypergamous relationship is more calculated and intentional and thus it requires clear communication of desires, intentions, and expectations from the start," Nicole Moore exclusively tells Women. "There is an understanding in hypergamous relationships that both parties are receiving bonuses other than love as part of the 'deal' of partnership and ideally, both parties will feel fully satisfied in the goodies that they're getting as a result of the partnership."

You shouldn't go into hypergamy looking for the person who can provide you the highest standing, economically and socially, but someone who can give you some of that, but also with real emotions involved. You want there to not only be a connection that extends beyond the materialistic aspect, but that it be a connection you can feel deep in your bones. After all, love, in all its forms, is an extraordinary experience worth having. So don't deny yourself that part of your hypergamous relationship. Instead, let that be just as important as the 'deal' you've made.