The Pros And Cons To 'Soft Swinging' (Because It's On Everyone's Lips)

If you've seen Hulu's insanely addictive series "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" (or even if you haven't), you'll probably be aware it's raised a number of sex questions. And it's really got people talking about soft swinging, a form of ethical non-monogamy that can mean different things.

Similar to regular swinging, soft swinging can mean that couples agree it's okay to engage in sexual encounters outside of their relationship, often by swapping partners with other couples. But "soft" implies penetration is off the table. So, many couples may be okay with their partner kissing someone else, but draw the line at penetrative sex. Soft swinging can also refer to a couple engaging in sexual acts in the same room as other people, but not doing anything sexual with someone else's partner. Many couples choose to define their own boundaries when it comes to soft swinging, so, in reality, it can mean something different to each person.

#MomTok matriarch Taylor Frankie Paul bought the term to the forefront of many people's minds when "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" re-visited her notorious TikTok Live confessional from 2022. In the video, she claimed unnamed couples associated with the #MomTok group had been soft swinging. "No one is innocent. The whole group [of friends] was intimate with each other," she claimed (via Newsweek). The confession understandably raised eyebrows due to the group's Mormon beliefs, but there are actually a few pros and cons to giving soft swinging a go. For all the details, Women spoke exclusively with Dr. Tammy Nelson, licensed sex and couples therapist and the director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute, and Jillian Amodio, licensed social worker at Waypoint Wellness Center.

One of the main reasons a couple may choose to dabble in soft swinging is the excitement. After all, sex should feel stimulating and fulfilling, no matter how you're doing it. Soft swinging is taboo and risqué, so it can really spice things up in the bedroom (or out of it). "[Soft swinging] can create or enhance excitement, intrigue, and desire for those who find ethical non-monogamy enjoyable," Jillian Amodio explained. That can hold true regardless of how you define soft swinging, since knowing others are watching you and your partner can be equalling as titillating as actually swapping partners.

Dr. Tammy Nelson shared a similar sentiment. "For many people, expanding and exploring all of the sexual potential in a marriage or committed partnership can prevent long term boredom, and can bring erotic energy into the relationship," she said. Not only that, but for couples who have been together for an extended period of time, the feeling of being wanted sexually by someone new can be enticing. "Being desired by others can reinforce one's sexual potential and increase drive and libido," Dr. Nelson said.

Excitement appears to be the big reason the #MomTok gang began experimenting. "A lot of them, their spouses were like their first person they've even been with, so it was very new to them," Taylor Frankie Paul said during a September 2024 appearance on "The Viall Files."

In 2015, law firm Slater & Gordon found that as many as 20% of married people felt "trapped" in their relationship. For some couples, soft swinging may offer a solution. By engaging in soft sexual activity with a person that's not their spouse, those who struggle with monogamy are given a safe space to experiment with their partner's support. "Individuals may feel freedom, and support for their sexuality from a partner who encourages them to express themselves in all of their potential," Dr. Tammy Nelson explained.

Likewise, soft swinging can offer an opportunity for people to experiment sexually within their and their partner's moral boundaries. That can mean morality within their marriage (as consenting soft swinging couples don't consider it cheating) or even morality within their religion. For those with strong beliefs regarding sex before marriage, soft swinging offers the opportunity to have other sexual experiences while still honoring their commitment to their spouse.

In some relationships, a couple may be totally in sync in almost every aspect of life, but struggle to get on the same page when it comes to sexual fulfilment. As Jillian Amodio told us, engaging in act like kissing or non-penetrative sexual touching with a swinging partner can allow one or both halves of the couple to experiment with things their other partner may not want to try themselves.

"Practices like these can help partners to receive different things from different people," she shared. "Their sexual partners might fulfil different needs just like a variety of friends fill different needs and interests in platonic relationships." It can also be an ideal solution for couples with differing sex drives, as it's a way for one half of a couple to feel non-penetrative satisfaction even if their partner isn't in the mood.

Soft swinging can give people a safe space to experiment and bring what they've learned back to their partner. In some cases, they may learn things like new kissing techniques that make intimate times with their spouse feel more fulfilling.

One of the biggest drawbacks of soft swinging is the jealous feelings it can create. It's common for people to feel uncomfortable seeing their significant other engage in any kind of sexual activity with someone else, even if the couple has already agreed to share partners — so much so that it could prove detrimental to the relationship. Not only can those jealous feelings affect the bond between the couple involved, but if soft swinging is happening with friends, someone's jealousy of a friend engaging with their partner could lead to the demise of the friendship.

Equally, in the case of soft swinging with others in the same room, things can get awkward. Though there's nothing to be embarrassed about if everyone involved is a consenting adult, it's still important to be selective of who's in the room — especially if you don't feel comfortable discussing things or spending time with them following such an intimate moment.

Another harsh reality of soft swinging is that it can open the door for meaningful relationships to form outside of the couple. In soft swinging cases where a couple is swapping partners, kissing may lead to even more intimate feelings than penetrative sex. In fact, psychologist Dr. Wolfgang Krueger told South China Morning Post in 2020, "It may sound strange, but kissing is much more intimate than sex. Sexuality can sometimes be very impersonal, as if you're reeling off a programme."

Though soft swinging may, on the surface, seem safer than full swinging or a fully open relationship, it still has its serious health dangers. If partners agree to allow one another to touch someone else in a sexual manner or give/receive oral sex, STIs such as papillomavirus, genital herpes, and syphilis can still be passed on, even without penetration. There are also a wide range of STIs and other diseases that can be passed from person to person simply by kissing, including coronavirus, rabies, and the mumps.

Equally, if soft swinging with a partner, the excitement of the moment can potentially lead to unsafe sex. When being watched by others, a couple may be less likely to use contraception, such as a condom. That could lead to the transmission of STIs — especially if an STI test hasn't taken place beforehand.

Because the definition of soft swinging can differ from person to person, it's very much open to interpretation. And that can be bad news for a lot of relationships. "If clear boundaries and open communication are not present and often revised, it can lead to misunderstandings if partners disagree on what they do and do not want their partners engaging in," Jillian Amodio explained.

Soft swinging is also considered by many to be a gateway into full swinging or hard swinging, and it can be all too easy for things to go too far — something Taylor Frankie Paul found out the hard way. She confirmed in her infamous TikTok video that she and her husband had agreed they both had to be in the room witnessing what was going on. "The second it goes behind [closed doors] without each other, then you've stepped out of the agreement. And I did that," she confirmed.

One of the best ways to avoid this is by couples having explicit conversations about what is and what isn't acceptable to them, both before and after engaging in soft swinging. "Planning each encounter with a 'what if' conversation before anything is taken into action can mean that everyone's feelings and concerns are processed, and talking during and afterwards can be a time to check in and make sure boundaries are respected and each partner can discuss what works and what they want to change for next time," Dr. Tammy Nelson shared.