How To Shift Your Focus During Sex To Enjoy The Journey, Not Just The Destination

At some point, our culture decided that sex and orgasms were synonymous and that sex could only mean penetrative intercourse. If one were to properly enjoy sex it would entail a penis entering a vagina, and an orgasm being had. This concept of what sex "should" be has infiltrated media, especially porn, and stuck. Now trying to discern the two — especially when referring to hetero sex — has become difficult for many. But sex isn't just P-in-V action, nor is an orgasm necessary to enjoy sex.

According to a 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, when it comes to orgasms, straight cisgender women are missing out. As research found, only 65% of straight cis women orgasmed during sex, compared to 95% of straight cisgender men. Now, if we take those figures into consideration, does that mean every time a straight cis woman has sex and doesn't orgasm, it's still a successful romp because the man finished? How would these people sleep at night knowing that they can't make their partner come? Would they be okay with it or would it bruise the patriarchal ego to the core? Probably a bit of both.

A lot of people struggle to orgasm, so reducing sex down to just orgasms does a disservice to all of us, and the meaning of sex as a whole. That's why sometimes it's important to take the end game out of the situation and focus on the journey. If we all slow down a bit and reframe how we view pleasure, we'll realize that orgasms don't always have to be the goal. Here's how to shift your focus and have the kind of sex that's pleasurable for everyone involved.

A lot of times when people have sex, they jump into bed and just go for it. While there's nothing wrong with that, if you slow it down and set the mood first, you can create an experience for all five senses, allowing pleasure to become a full-body sensation. To do that, consider what type of lighting will be best for the atmosphere you are building. Bring in candles that smell particularly sensual to you and your partner and have some wine or chocolates on hand so you can tickle your tongue with delightful tastes. Try to include things like body oil or feathers to enhance exchanged touches, and choose a playlist that accompanies the environment you've built.

Essentially, you've created a space that's less about the physical aspect of sex and more about the spiritual side. Although at first, it may seem a bit hokey or, perhaps, too woo-woo for some, but when you actually get into the mindset of prioritizing pleasure over orgasms, your cozy little corner of the world will feel like home. You've also stepped outside your usual routine, so similar to when you're on vacation, your mind has put itself into another gear. 

Whether it's a quickie or an all-night session, communication is incredibly important when it comes to sex. But instead of talking about what you want to get out of the experience, discuss how you both can enjoy it and ways to explore that enjoyment that are unlike your usual techniques. You want to invite curiosity and creativity into the equation, as opposed to what might be waiting for you at that end.

"When you're focused on orgasm, your sex tends to follow the same patterns that have proven to make you and your partner orgasm in the past," sexologist Marla Renee Stewart told Healthline. "Switch up your position, what body parts you use to stimulate each other, the toy you use, where you have sex, etc."

Although expectations are good to have (as long as they're realistic), when it comes to sex they kill the mood. Even if you're unaware that you're killing the mood by focusing on an orgasm, you are. In fact, you're not even in the moment — your brain is already at the end of the journey cheering you on to climax. That's simply not the way to enjoy pleasure. Note: pleasure is the keyword here; not orgasm.

Although cishet people tend to be the ones most guilty of putting penetrative sex up on a pedestal, people of any gender and sexual orientation can fall into this trap too. But it needs to stop, so let's stop it now.

"When we hyper-focus on the penetrative act, we're leaving so many people behind, and we're also leaving out so much room for what pleasure can look like during the experience as well," sex educator Cameron Glover told Refinery 29. "I think it's super important that more people talk about sex as an all-encompassing experience and not just hyper-focus on penis-in-an-orifice."

While some of you might be thinking about what other routes to take, the short answer is: there's a lot. For starters, you have oral sex which is great for people with vulvas because it focuses on clitoral stimulation — that is if it's done relatively correctly. You can also explore mutual masturbation, erotic massages, a whole slew of sex toys created by and for women, and get extra handsy with each other. The human body is full of erogenous zones from head to toe, just dying to be touched and their sexual impact realized. When you subtract penetrative sex from the equation, you and your partner get to see each other in new and exciting ways. 

As much as mindfulness is paramount to enjoying the journey and being completely present in the moment, we're going to up the mindfulness game and jump right into tantric sex. The study of tantra is the weaving of two bodies together to enjoy pleasure — not so much sex — on a plane where connectedness is the name of the game. You're not only connecting your mind and body, but you're also connecting with your partner's body and mind so as to make one.

"Try staying with the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that are pleasurable," licensed marriage and family therapist Annie Chen told Nylon. "If you get distracted, think of it as a meditation and gently bring yourself back to pleasure. Let go of the cognitive stuff, the stuff that hangs around and doesn't have a present quality to it. The focus on pleasure and developing a relationship with your pleasure is a good start."

Because tantra actually means "weaving" in Sanskrit, that's where you want to put your focus. As you and your partner touch each other, feel the sensation of you being two pieces coming together to create of a fabric of pleasure by locking your bodies and eyes, fully entwining. Don't think, just feel.

Learning to leave orgasms behind takes practice. Not only is there the patriarchal impact of orgasms being a must in order for sex to be good, but there's also the fact that they feel fantastic! However, in reframing your idea of sex — which is what you're doing here — you can understand that even though something feels good, you don't need it all the time. What might feel even better is trying something new and seeing how that stimulates you instead, while fully knowing that orgasms will always be there but you're just rummaging around with other ways to enjoy pleasure. When you open your mind to the entire spectrum of sex and sexuality, you open yourself (as well as your partner) up to opportunities and paths you never considered before. Where you'll end up once you get going is anyone's guess and that's a good thing. Revel in the unknown, and live and feel in the moment.