Therapist Tells Us The Red Flags To Be Aware Of In Your Sex Life
No two sex lives are the same. There's no universal marker that dictates what a sex life should look like or what is necessary for the people involved to feel fulfilled. Not only is there no standard, but rarely does a person or a couple's sex life stays the same forever. The sex life you had with your partner early in your relationship isn't likely to be the same months and years down the road. "Our sexual desire does wax and wane at different times in our lives, but that doesn't mean it changes for the worse," licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Rachel Needle, PsyD tells Prevention. "There are a number of factors that contribute to our sexual response."
But as much as one's sex life can have its ups and downs, sometimes those things can evolve into legit warning signs that suggest something else that needs to be acknowledged and addressed. To help you (and us!) better understand what warrants another conversation, Women exclusively spoke to Lisa Lawless, Ph.D., CEO of Holistic Wisdom, Inc, about what you should be most aware of in your sex life and why these things constitute as red flags.
There's a lack of satisfaction
Let's be honest: Sex isn't the answer to everything. Because of this, it's absolutely normal to not feel fulfilled or even remotely satisfied every time you do it. If you're stressed, on new medication that's messing with your libido, or just don't have your head in the game — literally anything can stand in the way of having a mutually satisfying romp. But if this feeling of disappointment or lack of satisfaction is happening more often than not, then it's a problem.
According to Lawless, a "consistent pattern of dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment after sexual activities," warrants some investigating. Granted, what that looks like is different for each person. For example, maybe you're not having the orgasm frequency you once had, or you feel like you're doing all the work and your partner isn't reciprocating. While it's certainly important to enjoy the journey of sex and not bog yourself down with expectations, if you feel something is lacking after each sexual experience you have, it may be time to have a serious conversation with your partner.
You feel like you can't be honest in the moment
During sex, people are at their most vulnerable. It's not just that you're both naked, but you're experiencing a level of intimacy that you won't have with just anyone. Because of this, sex, in all its forms, should feel like a safe space where you can be honest, candid, and 100% authentic. If you have sexual fantasies — like we all do — you should feel like you can share them with your partner without fear of judgement. Meanwhile, if your partner needs a bit of direction, you should be able to politely say, "a little to the left, please" without feeling as if you've bruised their ego or inadvertently insulted them. If you can't say these types of things to your partner during these intimate moments and feel comfortable doing so, then that's a red flag.
As Dr. Lawless exclusively tells Women, avoiding these types of discussions, or not being able to have them at all with an open mind, "suggests underlying challenges in communication or unresolved conflicts surrounding sex." If left unchecked, this inability to have an honest dialogue "may impact sexual desire or functioning," thereby creating even more issues in the future.
Your partner doesn't respect your boundaries
As much as sex, especially with a trusted partner, is a great place for exploration and, at times, stepping outside your comfort zone, it's also the same space where boundaries are most paramount. When it comes to sex, boundaries can look like, "'I don't like to be touched here,' [or] 'I'm not interested in anal sex.' Whatever the case is, it has to start with 'I.'"
But if you've clearly stated your limits and your partner still tries to coerce you into doing something you're not comfortable with, that should raise an alarm. This is not only a sign of selfishness, but also, a complete lack of respect for you and what it takes to make you feel comfortable. Frankly, this isn't just a red flag in your sex life, but a sign you should send this person packing all together. You have every right to say "no" in any situation and you don't owe anyone any explanation for it. No one deserves you in their life, if they can't (or won't) respect you and your boundaries.
Neither of you is ever in the mood
Everyone has different levels of sex drive, but if you or your partner have suddenly stopped wanting to be intimate as much as before, it's valid to feel concerned. "A red flag may be when someone starts to lose interest in sex, diverging from their normal levels of desire," Lawless exclusively tells Women. For instance, if you went from having sex three times a week to just once every three months, it could be time for a chat. She points out that this could signal relationship challenges or an emotional disconnection between partners, especially if one person is deliberately going out of the way to avoid physical contact with the other.
Now, to be clear, having intercourse less often doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem in your relationship. "A decline in sexual desire can often be the surface symptom of deeper issues such as stress [and] hormonal imbalances," Lawless notes. If this happening, though, it's important to examine what the source might be. "Some medications, especially antidepressants, and other mood stabilizers can have side effects that reduce sexual desire." Even herbal supplements can have a negative impact on libido.
Lifestyle factors can play a role, too. "Excessive alcohol consumption, drug use, or a sedentary lifestyle can also lead to decreased sexual desire," explains Lawless. "This is because they can disrupt hormone levels, decrease blood flow, and impair nerve function, all of which are crucial for sexual performance." In addition, these habits can also contribute to self-esteem issues, mental health disorders, and physical exhaustion — none of which are good for sexual interest and desire.
There's a narrow understanding of what sex is
While doing the deed less often can be a warning sign of sex life in trouble, it's important to keep in mind that the term 'sex' doesn't always mean intercourse; nor does it mean penetration. In fact, if you or your partner only view sex as that one thing, that could be a red flag in itself. Not only are you missing out on a whole spectrum of ways experience pleasure, but it can create a disconnect between you two about sexual expectations. In many cases, there's a good chance that the person with the vulva isn't being 100% fulfilled. According to Pleasure Better, only 18.4% of women can orgasm through vaginal penetration alone, so shaking things up is important.
At the same time, placing too much emphasis on the orgasm itself can cause problems. This might look like one person feeling 'responsible' for their partner's orgasm, and discouraged when it doesn't happen. But the reality is orgasms can be influenced by numerous biological factors and other issues.
This is why expanding that definition of sex is so important. Foreplay can be the main event, mutual masturbation can be something you do together and not just while sexting, and whoever said that butt play should be for Anal August only? "When we equate intercourse and sex and call everything that comes before intercourse 'foreplay,' we are buying into the cultural script that sex should proceed as follows: foreplay (just enough to get her ready for intercourse), intercourse (during which both women and men orgasm), and game over," sex therapist Laurie Mintz tells CNN.
You and your partner don't talk about sex — ever
No one ever said that talking about sex is easy, especially since in many places around the world, it continues be deemed taboo to do so. But if you're having sex with someone and you can't talk about it with them, that's a gigantic red flag. As Lawless exclusively tells Women, along with possibly indicating some unresolved sex-related issues, this can be very isolating for both parties. This goes beyond being able to talk about sexual fantasies, and straight to issues like physical and emotional pain that might be related to your sex life.
"If you are feeling a bit hesitant to talk about sex with your partner, it could be a sign that you're struggling to open up fully, or maybe some underlying issues need attention," Lawless says. "If you're finding it a bit tricky to get the conversation flowing, seeking out a therapist to guide you both might just be the key. Consider scheduling a visit with a qualified therapist who has expertise in sexual health or anxiety." As Lawless explains, these professionals are equipped to teach you the tools to better navigate communicating concerns, anxiety, and "enhancing overall sexual well-being [and] understanding the complexities of sexual challenges."
Red flags happen. Just because you don't have any in your sex life now, doesn't mean that one won't pop up at some point. But what's most important about red flags is recognizing them and doing something about them. No sex life is perfect. It takes work, awareness, and involvement from both partners to keep it healthy and satisfying.