Sex Expert Tells Us How To Navigate A Kink Gap In Your Relationship

Trying to get a read on exactly how many people have sexual kinks isn't easy. Because kinks are still considered taboo, some people prefer to keep their kinks to themselves or are convinced that they simply don't have any. But here's the thing: a lot of people have sexual kinks. In fact, over one-third of Americans report having a kink, according to a 2018 survey by OnePoll for sex toy company EdenFantasys, and 40% of respondents consider themselves to be sexually kinky.

Of course, what some consider kinky might not be kinky for others, and where these kinks come from varies. "With people who are high sensation seekers, in some of the research that's been connected, we see that their dopamine receptors aren't quite as sensitive as other people," research fellow at the Kinsey Institute Justin Lehmiller, PhD told Glamour. "So they just sort of require this higher level or higher threshold of excitement to get the same sexual thrills that other people do."

But no matter the kink or the psychological reason behind it, sometimes you find yourself in a relationship where there's a kink gap and neither you nor your partner know what to do about it. Because sex should be about the journey and exploration is part of the experience, Women exclusively talked to Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for the erotic ethical porn site FrolicMe, about how to navigate that gap so that both partners feel seen, heard, understood, and satisfied.

Some people know from a very young age what their sexual kinks are, while others don't discover them until later in life. Because of this, you and your partner may be able to have a sexual interest conversation early on in your relationship, or it might not be something that pops up until years down the road. But whenever the conversation does arise, it's important to be open and non-judgmental — no matter how large the kink gap may be.

Just as much as there shouldn't be any pearl-clutching due to shocking sexual confessions, as Weiss exclusively tells Women, "it's [also] important for the kinkier partner to state their desires without exerting any pressure." Weiss suggests that the kinkier partner frame their part of the dialogue by sharing what they're interested in trying, then following it up with a question to gauge their partner's interest. "If your partner says 'no' to something, don't push it," says Weiss. However, she does say that you can inquire about the reason behind the "no," so you can gather insight into where their head is at and allow them to be more direct with you about their boundaries.

Relationships are a give and take, and so is the sexual component of them. Granted, no one should ever, under any circumstances, do anything they don't want to do, but if during your conversation about kink, you can find a place where there's an overlap or a way to compromise that you're both comfortable with, then that's something worth exploring.

"If one partner is interested in BDSM and one isn't, that doesn't mean they have to choose between full-on whips and chains and a completely vanilla sex life," says Weiss. "You can dip your toes in the water by trying something light like mild spanking, hair pulling, one person [pinning] the other to the bed, or just dirty talk." Finding a way to meet in the middle gives both partners the chance to be creative and you might even discover something unexpected and new that can be your "thing," per se.

By definition, kinky sex is regarded as being outside the mainstream. Which, again, can mean different things to different people depending on their experience. For example, some people's definition of kinky could be something as low-key as bringing sex toys into the bedroom. But because "kinky" is stepping out of conventionality and into uncharted waters, it does require some ground rules. The three most important are consent, communication, and safety. These things aren't specific to the BDSM community, but to everyone engaging in sexual exploration.

Before you even put these kinks into motion, Weiss recommends that each partner establish a safe word. During sexual activity, whether it's kinky or not, once a safe word is said, whatever is happening immediately stops. "This will help the more vanilla partner feel reassured that they do not have to go beyond their limits," says Weiss. "Especially if one person is giving commands, it needs to be understood that the other can still [put an end to the scene.]" 

While Weiss suggests safe words like "cacao," which was made famous in a hilarious "Portlandia" episode, or "pomegranate," choosing one-syllable safe words can be more effective because they're quick in their delivery which immediately stops the sexual encounter that's in progress. In fact, red for stop and green for go, are commonly used in the BDSM community because of their efficiency. But, of course, your safe word is ultimately your call.

Whether you're the kinkiest or the most vanilla person out there, never feel ashamed or think you're somehow disappointing your partner if you're not on the same page as them regarding kink. Sexuality is complicated and not every person you meet is going to be completely aligned with your brand of kinky (or lack of kink), so don't be afraid to communicate your wants and needs.

"The more you swallow your own voice and discredit your own desires and boundaries, the less present you'll be in the bedroom and the less pleasure you'll feel," says Weiss. "No decent person wants their partner to feel pressure to do anything solely to please them, and kink discrepancies usually can be worked around." However, as Weiss points out, if the discrepancy is very large and the kinkier person doesn't feel satisfied, no matter how much of an effort the more vanilla person makes, then perhaps the two are not meant to be.

Sex may be an important part of a relationship, but it's certainly not the only part. Nothing is worth compromising your needs, desires, boundaries, or who you are just to keep someone else happy. Sometimes you need to put yourself first and that's more than okay.