We Asked A Sex Therapist What It Means To Have A Sex Dream About Someone You Hate

It's probably happened to you: You're deep in a dream and things take a sexy turn. Maybe there's some hot oral sex happening or you're doing it doggy-style on the lawn of a palatial estate. You can feel yourself reaching a climax, but you've yet to make out who this person is. Then things come into focus and, before you know it, you're shaken awake by the fact you've just had a sex dream about someone you hate.

When you truly hate someone and they creep into your dreams, it's deeply unnerving. When it's a sex dream, it's even worse. It begs the question: Why is my brain so cruel to me? According to Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and sex educator Justin J. Lehmiller Ph.D., sexually fantasizing about people we loathe isn't uncommon. In preparing for his book, "Tell Me What You Want," Lehmiller surveyed 4,175 American adults about their fantasies, kinks, and all that fun stuff. What he found is that 31% of people have had sexual fantasies about those they hate and 3% of those same people reported having those fantasies often. Yikes.

Because there's nothing more disturbing than having dream-sex with someone you hate, Women exclusively spoke to Heather Shannon, certified sex therapist and host of the Ask A Sex Therapist podcast, to get to the bottom of this nightmarish situation. While Shannon couldn't offer any magical fixes, we at least now have a better understanding of the question "Why them?!"

As Shannon exclusively told Women, dream interpretation is more of an art as opposed to an exact science. After all, despite so much research having been done, many questions remain regarding all aspects of dreams. "I believe our dreams are often about working through themes that we're working through in real life," said Shannon. "So if there's a pattern in waking life of doing things you don't want to be doing, that could manifest as a sex dream about someone you're not attracted to." For example, if you're constantly being forced to be nice to the person you hate because you share the same work or social space, that could spill over into your dreams in the form of sex.

Another example of a pattern that could impact your dreams is the effects of online dating. If you're using dating apps to meet someone, but after months and months (maybe even years!) of swiping and you're still single, your brain could be taking things into its own hands, so to speak. "If you've been feeling like it's slim pickings out there in your real sex life and there's a sense of scarcity with sexual options, that could show up as a sex dream about someone you're not really into," explained Shannon. "There could be a sense you have to settle."

Hating someone is a complicated feeling that takes a lot of energy. Sometimes we hate someone so much we never want to see them again, while other times our hatred can come in the form of needing to control the situation. Because of these thoughts that you're having while you're awake, a need to dominate and control every scenario with this particular person can arise in your dreams.

"You may enjoy the power dynamic of using their body since you're not into their personality or looks," said Shannon. "It's possible in real life that you wouldn't want to use someone only for sex or that you feel too shy or uncertain to pursue that kind of dynamic. But in your dream, you can pursue it freely without having to get consent and without harming them." As Shannon explained, in your dreams you have the upper hand, so you can find liberation from the person you hate and who causes you misery in your waking life. 

"Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer," said Shannon, adding that seeing past the hatred and trying to figure out what this person represents to you in your life can help you "figure out the symbolism or power dynamic that is unique to them." While you're not likely to find a definitive answer, if you can understand the "why?" factor, then the dreams will become less disturbing.