Struggling With Receiving Oral Sex? Our Tips To Communicate With Your Partner

For some, especially for vulva owners, enjoying oral sex isn't easy. Why? Well, in addition to so many other gaps between genders like the pay gap and orgasm gap, there's an oral sex gap too — on both the receiving and enjoyment end of things.

According to a 2016 study published in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, only 44% of women reported receiving regular oral sex, which is low compared to male respondents who, at 63%, confirmed receiving it. The study also found a discrepancy in the pleasure that came with the experience. While 73% of men reported that receiving oral sex was "very pleasurable," only 69% of women could say the same. So why aren't more people, regardless of gender, enjoying oral? Well, there's more than one reason. 

"Even though oral sex can be incredibly intimate, connecting and pleasurable, it's not uncommon for some folks to have a difficult time receiving oral sex from a partner, as they may feel anxious or self-conscious," says Dr. Kate Balestrieri, licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, founder of Modern Intimacy, and the host of the Get Naked with Dr. Kate. But just because you may feel this way now, doesn't mean you always will. To make receiving oral sex a more pleasurable experience for everyone, Women exclusively talked to Dr. Balestrieri about the best way to let go and enjoy the ride.

Whenever sex is involved, communication is paramount. But as Dr. Balestrieri explained, that isn't always easy. "It's understandable that anxiety can make it difficult to be vulnerable, but sharing your concerns in a non-confrontational, honest, and transparent manner can improve trust and safety between you," said Balestrieri. "You might use only self-accountable language, and name your insecurities. For instance, you could start the conversation with something like, 'Sometimes I feel self-conscious about how I might taste or smell. Can we brainstorm together, ways to make me feel more comfortable?' Healthy partners want you to feel safe, seen, and more at ease."

When it comes to sharing your likes and dislikes while receiving oral, Dr. Balestrieri suggested approaching it honestly, including positive reinforcement. "You might say something like, 'I really liked what you were doing a few minutes ago ... can you do that again?' or 'I appreciate what you're doing, but I'm more in the mood to try something different. Can we experiment with some new techniques or positions?' or even, 'You'll really make me come if you do [XYZ]. Are you game?' This way, you're framing the feedback as a mutual exploration as opposed to a critique," said Dr. Balestrieri, adding "Some people are motivated by a stick, and some with a carrot, metaphorically speaking. During sex, things can get pretty vulnerable, so try to stick to the positives, and highlight what you do enjoy with your partner."

Wherever there's anxiety or stress, mindfulness is a great tool to help you center yourself, get your head back in the game, and feel 100% present during sex. It's only in leaning into these things that you'll find your greatest possible pleasure. "Practicing various kinds of breathing exercises and mindfulness exercises in nonsexual moments can help you stay more embodied during sexual moments," said Dr. Balestrieri. "If you feel yourself dissociating or feeling less connected to the sensations in your body, sometimes it can help to ask your partner to slow down, change up their technique or position, or take a break so you can reconnect to the experience and your body."

As Dr. Balestrieri pointed out, as much as the destination may feel amazing, it's important to enjoy the journey, and staying mindful of this will keep you in the moment with each and every touch along the way. "Work on staying out of your head, and in your body, tracking the sensations you feel, and noting what you like or don't without judgment," said Dr. Balestrieri.

Trying to relax while receiving cunnilingus can be a struggle, due to society's obsession with vaginas being "clean" or "unclean." After all, brands like Summer's Eve have made a fortune off the insecurities of those with vulvas by convincing them that the only way one can have a clean vagina is through douching or using perfumed soaps — this is wildly untrue. But what's very true are these two things: the vagina is self-cleaning, and a vagina is supposed to smell like a vagina, not some bouquet of flowers. If you come across a vagina or penis that smells like flowers, then that's a reason for concern.

As Dr. Balestrieri told Women, if it's the possible smell and taste of your genitals that's standing in the way of you enjoying oral sex, then the best thing you can do is practice regular hygiene. It's really that simple.

"If a partner has been critical of your genitals, they are either under informed about the reality of genitals, immature, or being cruel," said Dr. Balestrieri. In other words, that person doesn't belong in your bed and they certainly don't deserve you in their life. However, if you do notice an odor that seems a bit off, especially if it pops up out of the blue, make an appointment with your doctor to make sure you don't have an infection of some sort.

In a world with so much negativity, trying to practice positive self-talk that feels genuine isn't easy. But if you can embrace the power of regular positive affirmations, then you'll be making steps toward actually believing all the good things you say about yourself. "When you catch yourself making negative judgments about your body, follow them up with two or three affirmations that speak to what you appreciate or celebrate about your body," said Dr. Balestrieri. "Your body is so much more than an aesthetic, it is supportive, strong, capable, and sensitive to pleasure."

Here's the deal: you're not under any obligation to enjoy receiving oral sex. But if your ability to enjoy it is hinged on psychological or social deterrents, then that deserves some unpacking. "Every partner and every sexual experience brings forward the opportunity to experiment and explore together," said Dr. Balestrieri. What worked well with one partner might not work so great with someone new, but through exploration, you're giving each other the opportunity to try new things that might work better than you previously thought they would. But if they don't, then you're just a person who's not a fan of receiving oral sex, and you're certainly not alone.