The Dos And Don'ts Of Make-Up Sex

If we allow ourselves to be manipulated by the media — TV and movies in particular — then we're likely to believe that make-up sex is the best way to resolve relationship issues. In fact, the way make-up sex is often portrayed is that it's even better than sex that doesn't follow a conflict. But, of course, such blanket assumptions dismiss the complexities involved in this type of sex.

According to a 2020 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, make-up sex isn't actually any better than non-conflict sex. While the respondents in the study reported feeling momentarily better after engaging in make-up sex, it didn't increase overall relationship satisfaction. As the researchers explained in their paper, "The implications of engaging in post-conflict sex are nuanced: although such sex is less enjoyable, it temporarily buffers relationship quality in that moment."

Because make-up sex is a hot topic and one worth exploring, Women exclusively talked to a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, Dr. Kate Balestrieri, and clinical associate at Modern Intimacy, Raquel Vanloon, LCPC, CSAT CADC, to better understand these aforementioned nuances. After all, if you're engaging in make-up sex or have plans to do so, you should know how to navigate it in a healthy way.

What's interesting about make-up sex is that it's not necessarily a good or bad way to handle conflict, but it can become problematic if you're not careful. If your instinct is to jump into bed with your partner after every fight, you might want to take a step back and ask yourself why, and see if you can accurately pinpoint how this has become your go-to reaction. 

"Make-up sex can be a complex issue with both positive and negative elements. Much depends on the partners, their maturity levels, and intentions for the make-up sex," Dr. Balestrieri exclusively tells Women. "It's not inherently a bad idea, but it's essential to understand its context within the relationship ... it can lead to a false sense of security if couples are rushing to sex to feel better, but not really doing the deeper repair or conflict resolution."

Vanloon agrees. As long as your intentions are clear, it's done in moderation, and you're mindful about your reasons for having make-up sex, then it doesn't have to be a bad thing. "What matters is that you stay true to yourself and to your intentions," says Vanloon. However, if you can't understand your intention or motivations, then you want to analyze this behavior, because there's always a reason why people do the things they do. 

Where things can get messy regarding make-up sex is if couples skip the conflict resolution and immediately make a beeline for the bedroom instead. As the 2020 study found, in the moment you're likely to feel better, but it's not going to solve the issues within the relationship.

"If makeup sex is used to avoid addressing underlying problems, it can lead to unresolved conflicts, resentments, and deeper issues over time," says Dr. Balestrieri. "It can also be a manipulation desired by a partner to obfuscate accountability if they are in the hot seat."

When people have sex and become aroused, it can be easy to forget what's important and why resolution is paramount to the success of a relationship. Brain imaging has found that parts of the brain actually shut down during orgasm and the ability to think rationally is one of them. After all, there's a reason why the French refer to orgasms as "la petite mort," which means little death — because all sense of rationale goes out the window. "The heightened emotions surrounding makeup sex can sometimes blur the lines between passion and unresolved anger, potentially leading to confusion and mixed feelings about the relationship," Dr. Balestrieri explains.

There's no doubt about it: resolving conflict isn't easy. It's human nature to want to avoid difficult conversations and situations, but it's also a necessary part of maintaining healthy relationships — romantic, platonic, or familial.

"Ensure that the conflict is discussed and at least partially resolved before engaging in makeup sex. This helps to ensure you aren't rushing to pleasure to avoid the real intimacy of healthy conflicts," says Dr. Balestrieri. "Get curious about each other's perspectives, as open communication is key to understanding each other's needs, and reaching an empathic resolution."

A great way to do that is to set boundaries that you can both agree upon for make-up sex and stick to those boundaries. You also want to make sure that you're both on the same page about make-up sex and that one partner isn't manipulating it into fruition because of their inability to hold themselves accountable. "Reflect both individually and together on why you are engaging in makeup sex," explains Dr. Balestrieri. "Ensure that it is for mutual connection and not as a way to collude in avoiding the discomfort of addressing the problem."

One of the worst things you can do when it comes to make-up sex is allowing it to become a habit. If every time you and your partner have an argument, you both rush to the bedroom to "solve" it in there, then you have a serious issue on your hands. You can't expect your relationship to evolve and flourish if the only way you deal with conflict is by engaging in sex.

Vanloon suggests practicing mindfulness when things get heated so you can evaluate if a pattern is developing. "Ask yourself, 'what is it that I'm horny for?' or 'how do I want this sexual experience to make me feel?'" says Vanloon. "Check in with yourself to make sure you are not acting out of emotional dysregulation, but of a genuine desire to be close or feel a connection." As Vanloon further explains, when some people are faced with negative energy, they think sex is the best way to change the tone of the environment. Whether that person is you or your partner, this thinking needs to be nipped in the bud as a way to help prevent repeat behavior. Sex may be essential to creating intimacy in relationships, but communication is even more important. 

As both Dr. Balestrieri and Vanloon point out, it can feel really good to connect with your partner in such an intimate way after an argument. "It can help couples feel close and bonded again," says Dr. Balestrieri. "Physical intimacy can reduce stress and promote feelings of well-being, helping to diffuse lingering tension from the argument. For some partners, makeup sex can symbolize a fresh start or a way to move past the conflict, reinforcing their commitment to each other."

But if you're not feeling the positive sides of make-up sex or reaping the benefits, then that's something you need to recognize. Finding yourself faced with conflicting messages after the fact takes away from the healing experience of make-up sex and is a clear indicator that it might not be the right solution for you. If this is the case, then you need to talk to your partner and figure out other ways to feel connected after an argument — sex is certainly not the only way to do that.