A Beginner's Guide To The Sexual Kink Community

As our culture continues to broaden its horizons on the topic of sexuality, we've begun to understand that there's no one way to experience pleasure. In fact, things like BDSM were once considered deviant and something that only played out in the fringes of society. Now they've become increasingly mainstream. So much so that a 2018 survey conducted by OnePoll for Eden Fantasys found that 40% of Americans identify as kinky and over one-third (36%) have a specific kink or fetish.

Like all matters regarding sexuality, kinkiness is a spectrum, but just the fact that more people are tapping into other ways to explore sex and sexuality is pretty exciting. After all, the Ancient Romans had no qualms about letting their freak flag fly, so no one in 2024 should have any issues with it either.

Because more and more people are kissing their vanilla ways goodbye, Women exclusively spoke to licensed mental health counselor, psychotherapist, and sex therapist, Kate Klein, LMHC about all things kink-related. If you've ever wanted to be part of the kink community, then here's everything you need to know.

Contrary the what some might think, kinks and fetishes aren't the same, but a fetish is a type of kink. Confused? Don't be. "Kink is an expansive concept that refers to a spectrum of sexual expression, including interests, fantasies, behaviors, practices, relationships, and identities, that are unconventional or fall outside of the sexual 'norm,'" says Klein. A few of the most common kinks are bondage (tying up your partner or wanting to be tied up), impact play (spanking or paddling), group sex, and anal play.

A fetish, in being a particular type of kink, is a fascination or attraction to something that isn't necessarily sexual by design, but is viewed as such by the person who fetishizes it. According to a 2007 study, having a fetish for a part of the body is the most common, with fetishes for feet being at the top of that list. Other fetishes that aren't too far behind body parts are water sports (sexual acts that include urine), "looners" (those who have a thing for balloons), as well as age play and CBT (cock and ball torture). "For some folks with a fetish, their preferred and specific stimulus may be necessary for sexual arousal and orgasm, whereas for others that stimulus may increase arousal but is not required for sexual satisfaction," says Klein.

Unlike belonging to Soho House or some other type of club, there are no dues, no initiation process, nor do you have to know someone to become a member of the kink community. It's something you decide for yourself and doesn't even have to involve engaging with others.

"Being part of the kink communities can mean different things to different people," says Klein. "In a society that values extraversion and being social, there is often an assumption that attending kinky events, like play parties or going to a dungeon, or having had kinky sex, is required to be part of the kink communities." But, as Klein explains, just having sexual interests that are outside the norm and considered unconventional is enough to be part of the community. You don't have to actively engage or take steps to prove anything about yourself and your sexuality. "In the same way you can identify as gay even if you haven't had sex with someone of the same gender before, you can also identify as kinky and be a part of the kink communities even if you haven't had kinky sex or attended a kink event," says Klein.

You don't have to regularly attend kinky events, but as Klein points out, if the time comes that you want to meet others like you, it's all about finding a sub-community within the entire kink community. "To figure out if you may be kinky or a part of the kink communities, think about if you have any sexual interests/expressions that are not mainstream," says Klein. This is important because if you're a Furry, but show up to a Rubberist community, you're not going to fit in. 

If you're not sure about your sexual interests or think there may be more to them, Klein suggests taking a BDSM test or joining FetLife, a social network for the kink and fetish community that can help you discover more about that side of you. "If you have the time and financial flexibility, working with a sex therapist or sex/kink coach is another great way to explore and cultivate your sexuality and sexual expression," says Klein. "Just as you haven't met all the people you are going to love in your life, you haven't yet met all of your kinks. As you explore your sexual identity and expression, be gentle and curious with yourself, and remember we don't get to choose what arouses us, but we can choose to show ourselves self-compassion." In other words, never be ashamed of what gets you off. Instead, embrace it, because you're likely in good company.

As human beings, we have this incredible urge to fit in and belong. Even those of us who like to roll solo still want to know there's a group out there that is made up of our people, where there's no judgment; only understanding and compassion. That's where a munch comes into play — and no it doesn't involve snacks.

"A munch is a casual social gathering of people interested or involved in kink, BDSM, fetishes, or alternative relationship lifestyles," says Klein. "No kinky activities take place during munches; it is a space to get to know others in the communities."

Not only is FetLife a good source for finding a munch near you, as well as other events and workshops that will help you understand your kinks better among those who think and feel like you, but Plura is another app that can be helpful. "A benefit [to] meeting others who are a part of the kink communities includes lessening feelings of isolation, increasing validation and acceptance, and learning more about how others express themselves," says Klein.

While from the outside it may appear as though the kink community is an anything-goes group, that couldn't be further from the truth. "A code of behavior that's best to keep in mind when engaging in kink activities is PRICK — Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink," says Klein. "Consent is such an important factor in so many areas of life, especially when engaging in risky behaviors ... It's crucial that all individuals involved are informed about potential risks and the ways a scene could go wrong, in order to truly provide informed consent."

But it's not just about practicing consent every step of the way, it's also paramount that everything is discussed beforehand. This means talking to prospective partners about boundaries, fears, and desires. "Negotiation is vital to determine who is in charge and who does what to whom, [and] developing a way to check in during play is also really important," says Klein. Each partner should have a safe word or use the light system, a common practice in the kink community. "Green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop," explains Klein, who also advises vetting new partners before getting sexually involved.

Ultimately, the kink community is about mutual respect, communication, and consent. It's also about knowing how to navigate kink gaps in your relationship, if there are any, in healthy, open, and judgment-free ways.