The Burned Haystack Online Dating Method, Explained

If you've tried online dating, you know it's rough. Like, rough. While there are "okay" days, more often than not, each swipe results in rage, disappointment, shock, or nausea — and sometimes all at once. One can't help but wonder [insert Carrie Bradshaw voice], "Is it the dating apps, or is it me?" Rest assured, it's the apps.

When writer Jennie Young first got on the apps, she was 50 and, as she wrote for HuffPost, "horrified." Like most people who've never tried dating apps, she was completely clueless about how awful, demoralizing (to use her very accurate word), and disheartening it can be. Realizing that finding someone worthy of her time was on par with finding a needle in a haystack, she Googled exactly how one finds that elusive needle. The answer? You burn the entire haystack down, then all that remains is the needle.

"I knew this had to be the key," Young wrote. "All this picking through pieces of hay to find one needle was too tedious and it took too damn long ... at my age, I didn't feel like I had that kind of time. I wanted to burn the whole haystack down and find my needle." But instead of turning to arson, Young embarked on a new approach to online dating. Because we're all for making sure people who want love find it, Women exclusively spoke to licensed relationship therapist and author of "MAN*ifesting," Jaime Bronstein, about making this dating method work for you.

When Young created the concept of burning down the haystack, it was a handful of rules she implemented for herself and standards she set for her potential mates. Once she realized she was onto something and it was working, she, along with friends and colleagues came up with 10 rules that were essential to making the method work. 

"For example, we interact only with individual messages that are well-written, reference our profiles, and do something to extend the conversation — no more entertaining 'hey gorgeous' messages or men whose profiles contain only their cellphone numbers because they're not actually paying to use the app," wrote Young. Men who seemed to only want a pen pal and didn't want to meet within the first week or two of matching were also sent packing. Anyone who didn't fit the bill was blocked and "block to burn" became Young's mantra. When you block someone instead of just swiping left, the app is forced to show you new people, as opposed to recycling the same group over and over again. As Young found, with each "burn" she got closer to her needle and was finally meeting quality men who were on the same page as she was in regards to what they wanted.

Ultimately what Young has created isn't about tricks or trying to outwit dating apps; it's about not settling and putting your needs first. After all, how many of us have found ourselves matched with people who give us the runaround? Too many. It's those matches that should be "burned" immediately, and then you move on to either burn some more or, if you're feeling it, swipe right.

"I love the haystack concept because it's all about honoring what you desire and deserve," Bronstein tells Women. "The more you embody that mentality, the faster your [person] will appear ... A little compromise is okay, but doing something or being with someone that doesn't feel right is not okay." As Bronstein further explains, the method helps you to "hone in and get focused on what you're looking for and what are your deal breakers. If you are disrespected in any way, un-match, too sexual too soon? Un-match. Is the guy flaky and keeps canceling on dates? Un-match." Or, as Young would define it, burn that part of the haystack down.

"Dating is an investment of time and energy," says Bronstein. "Trust yourself. If something doesn't feel aligned with you, don't waste your time. There are too many wonderful [people] in the world to let the 'bad' ones hold you back. "If you don't feel like it's a 'hell yes,' it should be a 'hell no!'"

As with everything, there are always potential drawbacks. For example, if you're not looking for something serious and just want to have fun, then this method isn't for you. After all, the strategy of burning the haystack is about finding your lobster. But even if that's the case, Bronstein explains you might be setting yourself up to miss out.

"If one were to take [the method] to an extreme, it can be detrimental, and you might actually miss out on a wonderful [person]," says Bronstein. "For instance, if you are too picky and discard a [person] for something that is 'teachable' then you'll never know if [they] were willing to make a little change to make you happy ... judging [someone] based on what's 'on paper' you might miss who [they] authentically [are] in person." Unfortunately, online dating involves a lot of judgment, but if you take the time to read between the lines, open your mind, and stay true to the burned haystack method, you might find the one.

But no matter what comes your way while navigating online dating, Bronstein recommends having a positive attitude. "Life gives us what we focus on," says Bronstein. "If you are focused on 'dating sucks,' then it will continue to. However, if you believe and trust that your [person] is out there just waiting to meet you, then [they] will come into your life. When you think that quality [people] will show up on the apps, they will!" Fingers crossed.