How To Start Sexting Like A Pro (Even If It Feels Awkward)

Although people have been talking dirty to each other and writing naughty letters to lovers since the dawn of time — Irish writer James Joyce, in particular, was quite fond of the latter — sexting is relatively new. After all, the first text wasn't sent until December 3, 1992, which may seem like ions ago, but it's only been a little more than 30 years. While there's no data on when the first official sext was sent, it might be safe to assume it wasn't long after the first text.

But as fun and beneficial to your relationship sexting can be, getting started can be tricky. Even if your brain is rife with sexual thoughts, dirty kinks, and desires that you want to share with your partner and explore in real life, trying to find the right words and typing them out is a whole other story.

Because we're dealing with something that can be highly awkward for a lot of people, Women exclusively spoke to Vanessa Marin, licensed sex therapist and New York Times Bestselling author of "Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life," to unpack this whole sexting thing. With Marin's help, you'll be a sexting pro in no time.

Unless you've been with your partner for a long time, sexting someone relatively new in your life and asking them if they want to sext can sometimes ruin the mood before things get started. Like most things sex-related, you want it to be organic. That's why you should drop a couple of hints.

Marin suggests starting with something like, "So, I had an interesting dream about you last night." Naturally, whenever anyone hears that someone has had an "interesting" dream about them, they want to know the details, so that gives you an opening. Keep in mind, you don't have to have had a sex dream about them, or any dream involving them at all to say that you did. Telling a white lie in this situation to get things going is a harmless icebreaker.

"If you've already been intimate with this person, you can reflect back on a positive experience you've shared," Marin tells Women, suggesting that you pose it as a question like, "You know what popped into my mind? That time we did XYZ," then go from there. "You can make this as suggestive or explicit as you'd like."

When it comes to sexting there are a couple of ways that you can be rejected, or not be rejected at all but feel like you have been. For example, the person you're attempting to sext might not understand what you're trying to do. Let's be honest, tone is often lost in texts and some people need things spelled out for them for anything to be completely clear. In situations like this, it's best to laugh it off or pivot your intent.

"Make a joke out of it," says Marin. "And say something like, 'Oh, I guess you didn't pick up on me trying to flirt with you," or say something simple like, 'That wasn't exactly what I was thinking of,'" then leave it at that.

Another way that you might feel rejected is if you drop a super-hot sext and all you get back is silence. "There are a million different reasons why someone might take a bit of time to reply, so don't sweat it! Just let the other person reply on their own schedule," says Marin. Of course, if the person you're sexting comes right out and says "Thanks, but no thanks," then apologize and move on. Like all things sex-related, consent is just as paramount when it comes to sexting as it is when it comes to physical sex acts.

Not everyone approaches sexting the same way, because not everyone is interested in the same things, sexually speaking. So if you want to find the confidence to sext, you need to find your voice, which means discovering what feels right for you regarding the words you use and scenarios you want to create. Marin suggests having a handful of go-to phrases on tap. "Have a few filler phrases in your back pocket for those moments when you can't think of anything else to say," says Marin. "Like, 'That's hot, tell me more!'" Keep in mind, sexting is a back-and-forth, so it's important to give the other person the opportunity to share their sexy thoughts too.

Another way to be more confident when sexting is truly by embracing your sexual self unapologetically and leaning into what you find arousing; it's likely to arouse the other person, too. "Practice saying phrases out loud to see what sounds right to you," says Marin. Think about it this way: if it sounds a bit wonky when you say certain things out loud, then they're not going to serve the purpose you want them to serve when you type them out.

While sexting doesn't necessarily require aftercare, you still want to, as they do in the BDSM and kink community, end the scene. You've had your fun, now it's over, and time to move on to whether or not your partner should pick up Chinese food on the way home.

"Compliment the other person," says Marin. "Say something like, 'That was really hot! Thanks for entertaining me,' or tease them with something like, 'Can't wait until we can recreate this in person.'" There's no one way to show your appreciation as you wrap up these types of chats, but when you find the words and phrases for you that work, then stick to them. As your sexting confidence builds, the way you end the conversation and how you navigate the chat in the heat of the moment will evolve. It just takes time and, of course, lots of practice.