'Boy Sober': What It Means And Why You Should Try The Trend

In 1991, Cher appeared on the talk show "Sally," and was asked: "Do you think men are important?" Her response, which remains iconic to this day was: "Like, for what?" Not to knock men, no one needs a man. While they proved somewhat necessary before the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974 when women needed their husband's permission to open a credit card or take out a loan, once that act was passed, it was a major step toward not needing men.

Now in 2024, people are realizing that cis men don't bring as much to the table as they may have originally thought. As dating app fatigue has begun to skyrocket and men continue to disappoint, some women are turning away from dating altogether. Enter: "boy sober." Being boy sober, according to the official boy sober rules as compiled by TikToker Hope Woodard, means "no dating apps, no dates, no exes, no situationships ... no hugs and kisses." It's the West's take on the 4B Movement that's been getting a ton of traction in South Korea.

While being boy sober sounds great, putting it into motion in a culture that's obsessed with the concept of "the one" and finding your soulmate, can feel daunting. To understand the benefits of being boy sober — and how to go about it in a healthy manner — Women got in touch with sexologist and relationship therapist, Sofie Roos of Passionerad and psychotherapist and founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling, Kristie Tse. 

Although the benefits of being boy sober on a surface level are simply not having to deal with men, it goes deeper, resulting in personal and psychological growth. The goal here is to de-center men. "Taking a break from dating and sex allows for deeper self-reflection, which can lead to increased self-awareness," Kristie Tse tells Women. "I've seen clients recognize patterns in their past relationships and understand their emotional triggers more clearly."

Once romantic distractions are removed from the equation, people have space and time to flourish — especially if that time comes at the end of a breakup. Just look at all the art that's come out of romantic despair and broken hearts throughout human history. Even if it doesn't follow the end of a relationship, being boy sober still "gives you inspiration and that makes you think the best," says Sofie Roos. "This often leads to you realizing what you want and what direction you should take in life, and many women actually find their way during realizations they get when dropping the focus on men for a period of time." In other words, if your intention is to date again, it can act as the perfect reset.

To make the most of being single, you need to follow the boy-sober rules to a T, shifting the focus on not only yourself but your friends and family — people in your life that sometimes get put on the back burner. "Many [of my clients] have reported a newfound appreciation for friendships and family connections during this period," says Kristie Tse. "It's important to create a space where emotional needs are met outside of romantic contexts. This self-growth phase often leads to clearer communication skills and boundaries, preparing individuals for more fulfilling relationships in the long run."

Not only is this prime time to nourish the platonic relationships you already have, but it also allows you time to explore yourself on a sexual level. "Women discover themselves better sexually when going boy sober, because that forces them to satisfy their sexual needs themselves," Sofie Roos explains. Granted, one should never shelf masturbation while in a relationship — it's an important part of self-care — but some people do lose sight of engaging in it when they're seeing someone. As Roos explains, learning new ways to satisfy yourself during boy sobriety time builds an understanding of sexual wants and needs, things that can be implemented later on should you go back to dating and having sex with cis men. After all, if you can't get yourself off, don't expect someone else to do it for you.

Although celibacy among women is becoming far more common, with Gen Z leading the way according to a 2016 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, it doesn't mean it's the right fit for everyone. "To determine if you're a good candidate for going 'boy sober,' consider your current emotional state and relationship patterns," says Tse. This could mean being stuck in a cycle of unhealthy relationship choices, dating burnout, or simply being disenchanted by everything that has to do with men. If that's the case, being boy sober might be for you.

"To know if you're ready or not doesn't have to do with age or where you are in your career," says Roos. "It depends on if you feel happy and satisfied with your situation or not, both when it comes to love and to sex and also when it comes to your general life situation."

But when you go into boy sobriety, you need to be committed. There's no space for half-measures, so if you're not ready to give up on that situationship who keeps texting you, being boy sober isn't for you. "A successful 'boy sober' period can occur when you're ready to prioritize personal growth and strengthen other relationships in your life, like friendships and family ties," says Tse. "Engaging in hobbies or exploring new interests during this time can also enrich your self-awareness and lead to more fulfilling connections later on."

Should you choose to break your boy sobriety and get back to dating, it might feel just as daunting as when you gave up men in the first place. But let's be honest: dating is like riding a bike — you never really forget. "Transitioning back into the dating world after a period of being 'boy sober' can indeed present challenges such as vulnerability," says Tse. "After focusing on oneself and building up personal walls, it's common to feel apprehensive about opening up to potential partners." Because of this, Tse tells her clients that it's important to embrace "gradual exposure." Although that can look different for different people, social settings that don't have the pressure of official dates are a good place to start.

If you've done the necessary self-reflection to pursue boy sobriety, you should have a new approach when you do reenter dating. One that, ideally, focuses on you, self-compassion, and maintaining the connections you made during sobriety. "You might find that feeling secure in those relationships makes it easier to build new romantic ones," says Tse. As Roos points out, despite any initial apprehension, your boy sobriety should have led to you "coming back stronger, not more confused and insecure, and that will make it easier to re-enter the dating scene." However, take your time. You chose to do this for a reason, so don't undo your progress by diving back into dating. Instead, dip your toe in first.