How To Tell Your Partner You Want To Have Spicier Sex

Although sex — no matter how you define it — isn't the most important part of a relationship, it's certainly a component that many people want included. It's a great way to build intimacy, stay physically and mentally healthy thanks to oxytocin released during orgasms, and it's just a fun way to kill time on a lazy afternoon. But when you've been with someone for a while, your sex life can start to feel stale. Then, before you know it, you're having unsatisfying sex that can lead to a sex rut.

"[A sex rut is] when sex becomes a routine rather than an exploration, a task rather than a joy," psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito told mindbodygreen. "Sexual issues become red flags when accompanied by emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or unresolved conflicts. Sex is often a mirror of the health of the relationship." In other words, it might be time to spice things up and lean into the thrill that came with experimenting with each other like you did when you were first together.

According to a 2024 poll by sex education company Beducated, 60% of respondents reported dissatisfaction with their sex lives. Because an unsatisfying sex life can be the downfall of a relationship — not all, but some — Women exclusively spoke with AASECT certified sexuality educator Amber Mallery, MPH about how to tell your partner it's time to take things to new heights.

Before you can tell your partner that it's time to turn up the heat, you need to know what you're looking to change. For example, you can roll into the bedroom one night and tell your partner you want to try out a specific kink, but if you can't anchor it in reason, then it's going to be a hard sell. "Before you tell your partner you want something spicier, think out exactly what you want, why you want it, and consider your partner's boundaries," says Amber Mallery. While wanting to try something new is completely normal, it's also important to understand that some people only like the idea of such a novelty.

According to a 2023 study published in Current Opinion in Psychology, research has found that sexual fantasies don't automatically correlate to a real-life interest in that particular fantasy. This is something to keep in mind before putting anything into motion. "You should also be sure to educate yourself if you want to get involved with something that can put you [or your partner] at risk," says Mallery. "Then think about how you would address it with your partner — be sure when you are speaking to them to also be listening yourself."

Unless you and your partner have already tried to spice things up in the past, you may find that what you think is spicy, your partner doesn't, and vice versa. Just as you would when navigating a kink gap, you need to share your thoughts and meet somewhere in the middle. The only way to do that is by opening the lines of communication, embracing your willingness to explore, and doing both of those things compassionately. "Some people may have deeper reasons for not wanting to make things 'spicier,'" says Amber Mallery. "They may just not be interested or it could raise insecurity for them." There's also a chance, as Mallery points out, that your partner simply doesn't have a spicy side to them.

Although a 2021 survey by Eden Fantasies, per SWNS Digital, found that 40% of people in the U.S. identify as "kinky" and 36% report having at least one specific kink or fetish, that doesn't mean your partner falls into the 40% or, even if they do, that they have an interest to engage in those fantasies. That's why an open mind is just as important as an open dialogue when broaching this topic.

If you've told your partner you want to spice up your sex life and they're not interested, then it's time to respectfully end the conversation and look inward. "Navigate whether this is something you can live without," says Amber Mallery, who also suggests really examining if the sex life you have with your partner is the one you want your sex life to look like. "Some people may have the opportunity to open a relationship," says Mallery. "But this option should only be considered when you are in a healthy place with your partner and you have a deep conversation about boundaries and expectations if you open things up."

Any conversation about sex is going to be complicated and may not end with the results you want, because human sexuality is deeply complex. It's also worth noting that what we consider spicy when it comes to sexual satisfaction and desire evolves over time. According to a 2016 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, it's common for sexual satisfaction to steadily decline throughout a relationship. Naturally, one of the best ways to try to counter that is to work at it and communicate, but if that's not happening, then maybe it's not spice you need, but sex therapy — and that's okay.