Can You Break Your Engagement Without Breaking Up?

Being engaged is a big deal. You've found someone and decided that you don't want to just live together, you want to make your love legally and/or spiritually binding. But as thrilling as being engaged can be — gorgeous engagement ring hopefully included — sometimes it doesn't feel quite right. It's not that you want to break up, but that you want to slow down a bit and call off the engagement.

"Relationships don't have to follow a one-size-fits-all trajectory," Licensed Psychologist, Founder, and CEO of Modern Intimacy Dr. Kate Balestrieri exclusively tells Women. "If the idea of engagement feels like putting on a pair of jeans that don't quite fit, that's your cue to check in with yourself and your partner." As Dr. Balestrieri explains, while there are plenty of good reasons to get engaged, there's an equal amount of reasons to not be engaged. "Wanting to be together but not wanting to get engaged (yet) could simply mean you value the relationship, but you need more time or space to navigate what a future together might look like," says Dr. Balestrieri, adding that your relationship shouldn't be defined by "shoulds" and, instead, be based on what your gut is telling you.

While breaking off an engagement without breaking up is possible, it takes some work. After all, you're essentially telling your partner that you're not ready for forever. So, before you call off your engagement, make sure you're aware of your reasons and communicate them clearly and mindfully.

There are many reasons to call off an engagement, so be clear about why you're doing it. This clarity isn't just for you, but so your partner understands it's not the end of the relationship; it's a reconfiguration. "Engagement is often seen as a path toward marriage, but maybe you're not ready for that next step yet," says Dr. Kate Balestrieri. "The relationship might still be great; it's just that the label or legal commitment isn't quite right right now. It's okay to take a step back and return to the essence of what makes your relationship great."

As Dr. Balestrieri explains, sometimes people get engaged because they feel pressure to move the relationship forward. But then there you are, engaged, realizing that it involves far more than just walking down the aisle. "Engagements can bring up big questions about finances, family, or future plans that hadn't come up before," says Dr. Balestrieri, adding that in addition to trying to figure out those answers, planning a wedding when you and/or your partner have a lot going on, either personally or professionally, can be a struggle.

"Pausing or breaking off the engagement gives the couple time to address these issues without the looming stress of wedding plans," says Dr. Balestrieri. "It may feel scary, but taking a moment to regroup and re-evaluate can save you a load of heartbreak and expense down the road." It's also the key to a sustainable marriage.

If you've really dug deep into why you want to call it off and know in your heart of hearts it's the right decision, then it's time to consider what this means for the relationship. Dr. Kate Balestrieri suggests asking yourself how this will change the relationship dynamics, among other hard-hitting questions. "It's a good idea to get clear on what breaking off the engagement actually means for both of you," says Dr. Balestrieri. "Are you still committed? Does this shift any plans or timelines? Are either of you looking for demonstrable change?" 

Yes, you've decided that you want to put the engagement off for now and you have your reasons, but you should know what you intend to do with this change regarding your relationship. If this time isn't used productively, it's going to be a hard sell — not just to your partner, but to yourself.

You also want to consider whether or not to share this information with your friends and family. "People love a good story, and unfortunately, they might have strong opinions about this one," says Dr. Balestrieri. "Be ready to deal with questions or unsolicited advice, and remember: the relationship is about you two, not about your family, friends, [or] coworkers..."

Of all the things that come with calling off your engagement without breaking up, telling your partner is going to be the most difficult. After all, we're talking about a very significant decision that requires not just communicating your feelings and concerns, but approaching it delicately so you don't lose your partner.

It's important to pick the right moment when you can both have the time and the mental space to talk — because this isn't going to be a quick chat. "Give yourselves the gift of presence, so you can stay connected through the conversation," says Dr. Kate Balestrieri. "Start by affirming your commitment to the relationship." For example, tell them you love them and you see a future with them. Your partner is going to need to hear this type of assurance. "Leading with love can help to soften the blow, and create a gentle landing in this new reality," says Dr. Balestrieri.

You also want to allow yourself to be vulnerable by sharing your thoughts and how you reached this decision. No one wants to think their partner just woke up one morning and decided to call off their engagement, so stress that you've thought a lot about this and it's not something you're taking or delivering to them lightly. As Dr. Balestrieri explains, "When you lead with your feelings, it can open up space for deeper understanding."

After you've communicated your thoughts about what you think is right for your relationship right now, you need to brace for impact. You may get lucky and your partner may tell you that they were thinking the same thing. Or you might have a partner who's devastated by this turn of events. No matter how they respond, hold space for their reaction.

"This might be a surprise for your partner, so give them space to process and share their own thoughts," says Dr. Kate Balestrieri. "Try to avoid getting defensive, or reactive if they are struggling with your decision. Instead, make it clear that you're not abandoning the relationship; you're just adjusting the pace." Then, when your partner is ready to talk about this new phase in your relationship, you two can discuss how to recenter your partnership and strengthen it for the future in a way that will give credence to your decision.

"Taking the engagement off the table can be an opportunity to double down on what makes your relationship strong," says Dr. Balestrieri. "Use this time to deepen your connection without the pressure of wedding planning [by focusing] on your growth together and as individuals." Even if your partner is wary at first, if you both put in the work, they'll see that your decision was for the best as your relationship flourishes in new and improved ways.