Sex In A Long-Distance Relationship: What To Know And How To Make It Work

When it comes to long-distance relationships, trying to maintain the sex part can be tricky. Sure, maybe every time you see each other you need to rip each other's clothes off, but the time apart can be challenging. Even those whose love language isn't physical touch can feel a deep internal ache and longing to be within reach of their partner. Because of this, for people in LDRs, sex takes on a different meaning than it does for partners who see each other regularly.

"Couples who are long distance may experience more anticipation when they are seeing one another which can enhance the erotic energy and sexual interest," sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness, Dr. Jennifer Litner, exclusively tells Women. "It may feel like more of a special occasion which could make sex more of a hot and heavy experience each time, that is typically different for couples in long-term relationships that are not long distance."

While that may certainly be the case for many couples when they come together after much time apart, this can't be the only time that sex is part of the equation. Even when you're not physically together, keeping your mind and body sexually engaged with each other is equally important because it means you're consistently maintaining that intimacy. Because some LDRs might struggle with how to keep the spark alive when apart, Dr. Litner gives us the low down on how to make sex in such a relationship work.

First and foremost, it's essential to take everything you ever thought about sex and throw it out the window. Sex isn't just penetration, but a whole cornucopia of things that may have not even crossed your mind. "Long distance couples can benefit from getting creative with their eroticism," says Dr. Jennifer Litner. You'd be amazed by what things can suddenly seem sexy or inspire erotic thoughts if you let your creative juices flow without restraint.

"One thing I work on with all couples who want to keep the spark alive in their relationship is a sexual menu," licensed clinical social worker specializing in couples and family therapy, Tracy Ross, told HuffPo. Similar to a sexual bucket list, this menu should be a list that both you and your partner make separately that includes all the things that you think you'd like to try in a sexual setting. "I encourage people to be expansive, think out of the box, have fun with it — and just because something is only on your list doesn't mean you have to try it. It's a sort of sexual brainstorming without shame or expectation."

You can make your menu an ongoing list that you discuss with your partner to get the conversation started about certain sexual acts. It's a great way to stay sexually connected, as well as tap into parts of yourself that you didn't know you had.

Luckily for us, we're living in a time where technology does us a lot of favors in helping us all stay connected. As Dr. Jennifer Litner points out, engaging in cybersex through sexting, FaceTime, or other mediums like Zoom opens up a whole slew of ways to keep your sex life going no matter how far apart you are.

You can easily crawl into bed with your partner on FaceTime and watch an erotic film together or, even better, have a hot mutual masturbation session and even cuddle, so to speak, afterward. Being in an LDR is also the best time to take advantage of the benefits of sex toys, especially those that are specifically designed for long-distance relationships. All you need is a sex toy and its corresponding app, and you and your partner can have hours of fun.

According to a 2024 study published in the Journal of Sex Research, couples who use sex toys together not only have higher sexual satisfaction, but higher life satisfaction too. So, that's a bandwagon you want to get on.

As awkward as dirty talk can be, it's the type of communication that all relationships can benefit from — no matter if you're actually talking, sexting like a pro, or writing an erotic story. "It's important to note that dirty talk isn't just about the words themselves; it's also about tone, timing, and context," licensed marriage and family therapist Sophie Cress told The Knot. "The purpose is to create a more immersive and stimulating experience for both partners. When done consensually and respectfully, dirty talk can become a powerful tool to build intimacy, confidence, and mutual satisfaction in a relationship."

Opening yourself up in such a way with your words can also be freeing. Let's be honest, even those of us who struggle to formulate the actual words for dirty talk are probably having sexual thoughts and fantasies, but we just can't figure out how to express them. When you finally can, in whatever form you choose, it can be really exciting. It's as if you've conquered something that you didn't know you could and you realize just how extra essential this kind of communication is for people in long-distance relationships. "Ultimately, these things will not be a replacement for skin-to-skin contact," says Dr. Jennifer Litner, but you're still making an effort to bridge the distance as best you can.

The biggest problem with long-distance relationships, besides the distance, is all the work they require. While most LDRs are only that way for part of the relationship, the more time apart you have, the more maintenance is necessary and the more creative you need to get, sexually speaking. This is also where your sexual menu can come into play.

"Pick a theme and see if you could spice things up with acting out a fantasy," says Dr. Jennifer Litner. "Whether it be a role play with sexy werewolves or exploring a little bondage, these can take phone sex to new heights." After all, who hasn't fantasized about being a sexy werewolf?

If you're in one of these relationships, you should know that you're not alone and you have a fairly good chance of seeing your relationship last. According to 2023 statistics about LDRs, per Survive LDR, roughly 14 million people in the U.S. are in a long-distance relationship and 58% of those are successful, thanks to communication and trusting each other. Although not every LDR is going to require the same type of sex that comes when you're not together, those who do need it to feel close and intimate have lots of options to explore. Just be sure to communicate your needs and wants, and don't be afraid to create your own sexual world that satisfies both of you.