So You Hate Giving Oral Sex: How To Discuss It With Your Partner

As pleasurable as receiving oral sex can be, giving it is a different story. According to a 2016 study published in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality regarding oral sex practices among heterosexual college students, although the majority of respondents reported enjoying receiving oral sex, men, at 63%, are more likely to receive it than women, at 44%. Even when it comes to who's giving oral sex, 59% of women have and do, compared to 52% of men. Looks like we have an oral sex gap on our hands, which is interesting considering the same study found that 52% of men love giving oral, while only 28% of women can say the same.

Although the reasons surrounding why someone might be struggling with receiving oral sex can be very nuanced — lack of sex education, cultural norms, misinformation, trauma, and/or performance anxiety — for some, it's as simple as not liking it and, in certain cases, straight-up hating it. Which is more than okay, because no one is under any obligation to like any sex act.

Since oral sex is a fairly common practice among sexually active people, trying to explain to your partner that you pretty much hate giving oral isn't exactly an easy chat to have. Because of this, Women exclusively talked to Good Vibes Staff Sexologist and author of "The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone," Carol Queen, PhD, about how to navigate such a delicate conversation.

While some may think that discussing sex in bed makes sense, it doesn't. Find a place that isn't sexually charged, and if you usually have sex in the bedroom, then that's such a place. You want there to be a clear divide between sexual activity and having healthy, open conversations about sex.

"Sex life feedback is best given when people are relaxed, can pay attention and take seriously what's being said, and when you have the time and privacy to engage for a bit," says Carol Queen, PhD, who suggests asking your partner if it's a good time to talk about personal stuff with them before launching into your anti-oral sex monologue. After all, consent should be part of the equation due to the topic.

"Sometimes taking a walk or a drive gives you the time, privacy, and an escape from your everyday space for a talk like this," says Dr. Queen. "Others might like to do it over a meal or a drink, but not too many drinks! [Drinks] are not actually functional for facilitating important communication." Dr. Queen also points out that if your partner won't talk to you about sex-related subjects or other things related to intimacy, then not liking oral isn't the only problem. If partners are having sex of any kind, they should be able to discuss it openly. If one or both of you can't, that's a major red flag to be aware of in your sex life.

Even if you can't pinpoint exactly why you might hate giving oral sex, you still want your partner to understand where you're coming from. This means figuring out how many details you want to share about why you feel how you do.

"I think [details shared] depends on a couple of things," says Carol Queen, PhD. "One is your degree of comfort about disclosure." For example, if an aversion to giving oral sex stems from associating it with abuse, then you might not want to get into that right away. "Maybe this person doesn't get that level of detail from you," says Dr. Queen. "At least not yet."

Another thing to consider is how they're likely to respond. If you feel like your reasoning will be accepted, no matter what, then offering details might be a good idea — as long as you feel safe doing so. "Or is it going to get a little tense or will they try to negotiate you into being willing to do it?" asks Dr. Queen. "Because some people will have an answer for every reason you tell them [why] you don't enjoy it, I wouldn't get into those weeds if I could help it." Dr. Queens says if your partner refuses to back down, recognizing that they're trying to convince you of something you already know about yourself doesn't bode well for the type of person they are.

There are a lot of vaginal hygiene myths out there — you're genitals shouldn't smell like flowers. But if you hate giving oral sex specifically due to something that's going on with your partner's nether regions, you need to tell them — in some cases, this could be indicative of an infection. Before you do, Carol Queen, PhD suggests nailing down the particulars first.

"Figure out what the situation is for you," says Dr. Queen. "Why don't you, in fact, like it? And if taste and/or smell are implicated, can you differentiate between hygiene and just not enjoying the bodily odors and flavors involved? Because it's gotten pretty zeitgeist of late that some of us are extra-sensitive to smell, taste, texture, sound, and all the things, that might be part of your disclosure when you talk about this."

As Dr. Queen explains, if this is the case, it's important to own your sensory experience so your partner knows you're not saying they're dirty in any way. You can suggest showering together and performing oral then, or immediately afterward. But keep in mind, for some, a shower doesn't always solve certain issues. "Remember that some people like funky body smells and it's not wrong to feel either way about it, but it is important for your sexual comfort not to cross your own boundaries," says Dr. Queen, highlighting why this conversation is so essential.

We're lucky enough to live in an era where sex tech innovation is top-notch, and there are so many benefits to bringing toys into your sex life. For example, did you know that there are clitoral stimulators on the market that mimic the feeling of oral sex? Brands like Womanizer and Lelo have been at the forefront of this technology for those with vulvas, whereas products like the Tenga Flip Hole simulate the feeling of oral sex for those with penises. Carol Queen, PhD "absolutely recommends" giving these types of sex toys a try as a way to compromise, and still feel intimately and sexually close.

Like having sexual discussions in neutral spaces, that's also where you want to address your interest in introducing sex toys. Dr. Queen suggests talking about it in a way that frames the discussion as one of exploration, which both you and your partner can enjoy together. "Some partners are biased against toys, while others embrace them happily," says Dr. Queen. "A spirit of openness and 'let's explore fun sexy things' is always worth cultivating, and that's what you're looking for in this or any other convo about trying toys or other new things."

There is absolutely no shame if you hate giving oral sex, so don't let your partner or yourself make you feel bad about it. Some people love it, some can take or leave it, and some hate it — all of which are normal. "Accept your preferences and boundaries and be calm about them," says Carol Queen, PhD. "Everyone's got things they do and don't want to do. It's fine!"

However, if you've explained your reasons, shared the details, been clear about your boundaries, found ways to compromise, and your partner isn't okay with all that, then that's on them — not you. "If someone is partnered with you, knows you hate oral/can't do it, but insists on it anyway, that is its own dealbreaker," says Dr. Queen. If consider all the deliciously fun, exciting, and arousing sex acts to choose from, not liking giving oral sex is just a blip on the radar. 

Remember it's all about enjoying the journey, and that looks different to different couples. You and your partner can have a fantastic, fulfilling, and amazing sex life even if oral sex is taken off the table — and don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.