Our Best Tips For Getting Back Into Dating After A Divorce

Dating again after a divorce is not for the weak. After you've listened to your favorite powerful divorce anthems, it takes a lot of strength to throw your hat back into the ring of dating and be willing to give it all another go. While those who date after divorce may have different intentions behind the decision, no matter your reasoning, it's important to be ready, go into it with your eyes open, and trust your gut.

"I often get asked what's the time frame on dating after divorce," dating and relationship coach Nicole Haley exclusively tells Women. "The answer is that it is less about the amount of time that has passed and more about how much of the grieving and healing process you have worked through." In other words, there's no one-size-fits-all recipe for how to date after a divorce.

Because dating after a divorce is tricky territory, especially if you've been married for a long time and are clueless to what dating in this day and age entails, Women not only spoke to Haley, but also with relationship expert and bestselling author of "Breakup Triage; The Cure for Heartache," Susan Winter. Thanks to input from both experts, dating after divorce is about to get much less daunting.

Divorced people don't reach date readiness at the same time. That's just a fact. Depending on the marriage and how it ended, some might be ready in a year, while others will take several years to get there. Some never feel ready, and that's more than okay.

"You'll know you're ready to start dating again when you can understand why your past relationship didn't work and you have clarity about what you want to do differently in your next relationship," says Nicole Haley, adding that if thoughts about your ex trigger anger or sadness, then you're probably not ready. Susan Winter echoes this sentiment, saying you'll know you're ready to date when you're "done with the sadness, anger, and resentment." It's hard to start dating when you are bogged down with negativity.

A good way to gauge your readiness, according to Winter, is if you've had enough time alone to not only process the relationship but also realize your true self, separate from your former spouse. After all, jumping into a relationship immediately after one ends is rarely a wise choice. It's also here that boundaries come into play. "If you can confidently set and uphold healthy boundaries, you're likely in a good place to date again," says Haley. "Whether it's declining a second date that doesn't feel right, expressing discomfort with a topic of conversation, or feeling empowered to honor your needs without guilt, it's important to prioritize your well-being."

If you've been married a long time, dating is going to feel like a culture shock and no amount of stories from your single friends or a dating trends cheatsheet are going to prepare you for the realities of it. "With dating apps, swipe culture, and new social norms, it can all feel overwhelming, impersonal, and even intimidating — leaving [people] unsure of where to begin," says Nicole Haley.

If you're someone who dates straight, cisgender men, it can be even more challenging. "While the ladies have been working on themselves physically, emotionally, and psychologically, oftentimes the men they meet have not kept pace," says Susan Winter. "Nowadays, men increasingly lack the presentational skills to know how to dress, court, and engage their date in interesting conversation. The common complaint I hear is that men have forgotten how to date, altogether." There's also the age cage, as Winter calls it, in which women want to date men their age, only to realize that men want women considerably younger, which can lead to self-doubt.

"When dating after a divorce, it's important to not let rejection dictate your worth," says Haley. "Whether it's a bad date or a great one, try not to let it define your self-worth or set your expectations too high or low." As Haley explains, every date should be seen as a valuable experience from which you can take something and move forward healthily because of what was learned.

While online dating may be the easiest way to get back in the game, it's not the best for recent divorcees. According to a 2023 survey by Pew Research Center, not only are dating apps geared toward younger people, but 51% of women-identifying users report having negative experiences. So, you may want to skip that whole thing and start saying "yes" to social opportunities instead. "Happy hours, hobby groups, fitness groups, or even casual coffee with friends," says Nicole Haley. "The goal is to ease into being around new people, not jump headfirst into dating. As you may not be ready for another committed relationship and that's okay."

Susan Winter agrees that getting social is a great way to start, as is becoming a joiner — which may mean getting out of your comfort zone. "Expand your world. Go to lectures, concerts, and gatherings," says Winter. "Try new areas of interest by taking an in-person course. Pick up the hobbies you put aside in the past." When you find people who share your interests, conversations become more organic.

If you do decide you want to venture into dating apps, Haley suggests using the apps to experiment, as opposed to searching for "the one," so to speak. "When you approach the dating apps as an experiment to discover what you like and don't like, it becomes a low-pressure way to explore what's out there and clarify what you're truly looking for," says Haley.

There are many things to keep in mind while dating after your divorce, but some are more important than others. For example, if you can pinpoint why you're dating and have a clear understanding of what you want this time around, you'll be in a good spot. "Know what you want, and what you don't want. Re-enter the dating world with clarity," says Susan Winter. "If you don't know what you want, you'll get what they give you."

You also want to be realistic, and that starts with being upfront and open about your divorce. "You don't need to share every detail, but be honest about your divorce," says Nicole Haley. "When the topic comes up, frame it as a chapter in your story, focusing on what you've learned and how you've grown." When you're real about how your marriage came to an end and why, as opposed to romanticizing it and/or playing the victim, you set in motion a path toward realistic expectations for future relationships.

Last, but certainly not least, take your time. "Rushing into the arms of someone new seems like it could erase all the past pain, but left unchecked, it's guaranteed to create more pain," says Winter. "Consider if this new person is worth the emotional investment." Even if you've done the work and know you're ready, it doesn't erase the past or delete emotional baggage, so be kind to yourself, listen to your instincts, and have fun.