Your Guide To Sexual Aftercare & Why It's So Important

If you've never heard the term "sexual aftercare," now is the time to learn. Although aftercare, sexually speaking, has its roots in the BDSM and sexual kink communities, sexual aftercare is generally a way to check in emotionally and mentally when coming down from a sexual high. As of late, those who lean a bit (or a lot) more vanilla are realizing just how valuable sexual aftercare is for everyone. 

Just like heeding the importance of foreplay for setting the mood and putting everyone in the right mindset, aftercare is the opposite in that it's an outro, so to speak, to the events that have occurred. While foreplay creates a transition from daily life into sexy times, aftercare is the bridge back into real life. "Aftercare refers to a variety of behaviors after sex; it can be time spent cuddling, talking, and taking care of your partner," sex therapist and board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Edward Ratush told Verywell Mind. "The variation is broad because the intention of the care is to meet the partners' need(s) in the moment."

Anyone can make sexual aftercare a regular practice. Because it's so beneficial for everyone who engages in it — there are truly no downsides — it's something to consider incorporating into your sexual repertoire. 

Sex, no matter how you define it, isn't a stand-alone activity. Even if your concept of sex is limited to penis-in-vagina penetration (you should really shift your focus away from this), there are stages involved. Those four stages, also known as the sexual response cycle are: desire/excitement, arousal/plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Of course, when you're engaged in having sex, you're not necessarily aware of each stage as it's happening, but there's a lot going on; hormones like oxytocin and dopamine are being released, and everything you're feeling and experiencing is heightened. Hence the reason sex feels so good.

But when the body reaches the resolution phase and sort of recovers from the emotional, mental, and physical workout, it needs a bit more to properly bookend everything that has just happened. That's sexual aftercare. "It's a comedown, if you will," psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri told The Cut. "Skin-to-skin as well as eye contact are huge catalysts of increased experiences of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine in the body. All of these neurochemicals are known to create big emotional shifts."

Depending on the sex acts that were performed, the intensity of the experience, and the personal needs that someone might have after sex affect how sexual aftercare is practiced. Because of this, it's important to talk to your partner about what aftercare looks like for both of you.

When it comes to the benefits of sexual aftercare, it's not just about coming down together and relishing in the post-coital afterglow. According to a 2014 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, couples who make time to engage in post-sex activities together have a deeper bond and greater types of intimacy, as well as increased relationship satisfaction, unlike those who skip the pillow talk. Because research has shown relationship satisfaction tends to decrease after the first 10 years together, before increasing again, practicing sexual aftercare may get you through those rocky times.

Sexual aftercare can also help those who deal with sex-related shame and insecurities. "Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn't care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification," associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, Gail Saltz, M.D. told mindbodygreen. "Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame." Even if it's a one-night stand, people of all genders want to know that the shared experience matters, and making time for aftercare can do that. 

There's no one way to practice sexual aftercare, and how you practice has everything to do with you and your partner's preferences. "The communication element is very important here," certified sex educator Irma Garcia told Men's Health. "That's when you find out what everyone needs to feel safe before, during, and after a play session."

For some people, that could mean cuddling or giving each other massages, while for others it might involve recapping the experience in detail while hydrating (sex is considered exercise, after all) and having a snack. Those who engaged in high-intensity BDSM, like impact or breath play, may have encountered a minor injury. If that's the case, then aftercare won't just include taking care of the physical wound but also making sure they're emotionally and mentally in a good place. Cleaning up the space where you had sex, showering, and then going out on the town could be another option. 

How you practice sexual aftercare has everything to do with the people involved, meaning not only is there no script for it, but it can change depending on the partner. Just make sure to communicate to everyone you have sex with what you need during your aftercare session, and always listen to what your partner(s) need as well. A fulfilling sexual experience should have a beginning, a middle, and a proper ending that ties it all together with a strong conclusion.