Warm Sex: The Intimacy Trend Of The Moment, Explained

Let's be honest: We live in a chaotic world. Whether it's the political environment that surrounds us, the climate change that continues to disrupt our lives (for which we only have ourselves to blame), or never-ending human injustices that occur around the world, we're living in a very complicated era in history. So much so that we're all collectively crying out to finally live in precedented times, as opposed to all this unprecedented nonsense.

As we're learning to adapt to this new normal and way of living, every part of our life is being affected. Including our sex lives. We may not want to admit it, but the mayhem of the outside world can easily creep into our bedrooms and influence how we experience pleasure, either solo or partnered, and sometimes that influence isn't entirely positive. That's why it's time to slow things down in the bedroom and turn to warm sex.

"Warm sex is often misunderstood for having something to do with temperature play," sexologist and relationship therapist Sofie Roos of Passionerad exclusively tells Women. "But warm sex is actually about shining the spotlight on finding that emotional warmth between you and your partner by looking inward and taking time... a better explanation of the term would be 'slow and emotional sex.'" In other words, "warm sex" might be exactly what your sex life needs, especially during these turbulent times.

As Sofie Roos explains, warm sex is about slowing down and tuning into your emotions during sex — however you and your partner define sex. "Warm sex is not as orgasm fixated as other types of sex often are, making it less about performance and more about enjoyment," says Roos. After all, sex should be about the journey and less about the finish line. "Warm sex is almost like a backlash to the idea of what 'hot sex' is like — very intense — [something] that's been served to us for decades." Finally, a reprieve for those who are sick of the "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" mentality!

"The cornerstones of warm sex are love, time, and emotional investment," says Roos, adding that respect, trust, and communication also play a major role. "Our brain is often called the biggest erogenous zone, and if you want to stimulate it by getting in the perfect mood for sex where you're fully in the moment, then warm sex is something for you," says Roos.

Because warm sex is so steeped in connection, mindfulness, and really savoring everything, Roos is quick to point out this might not be the type of sex to have with a one-night stand. "Who your partner is when having warm sex is important," says Roos. "Someone you love and/or have a relationship with, ideally a romantic partner, but a friend with benefits can work too!" However, it's worth noting, every once in a blue moon, we can come across someone with whom we have a deep sexual, cosmic-like connection, so don't entirely rule out warm sex with a ONS. Stranger things have happened.

Sex, in all its forms, has benefits. But depending on the sex being had — oral, beginner butt play, dry humping, or something else — those benefits vary because of how each sexual act impacts us. As Sofie Roos tells Women, one of the biggest mental health benefits of warm sex is developing greater communication skills and building a stronger emotional connection through openness and trust.

"Warm sex is also great for getting high doses of oxytocin," says Roos, and you probably already know how essential oxytocin is in creating bonds, enhancing feelings of love, and just making everyone feel so darn good. "These levels of oxytocin being released during slow, long, and intimate sessions can help you feel less stressed, [making] warm sex a moment for you to gain energy and relax," says Roos. "[It] brings you closer, makes you feel more in love, and helps you appreciate what you have, leading to becoming a better couple both in and outside of bed."

Where there's mental benefits, you're also likely to find physical benefits. As Roos explains, warm sex is a great option for those who deal with aches, pains, or certain disabilities because it doesn't require advanced or complicated positions. Warm sex can also be a game changer for those with vulvas who struggle to orgasm, because it allows for time and focus which can take a lot of pressure out of the scenario. "When [sex] is slow, [people with penises] also have an easier time learning how to control their climax and last longer in bed," says Roos. Basically, warm sex is a win-win for all genders.

No matter what type of sex you're used to having, warm sex can be for everyone — even if you're knee-deep in the sexual kink community. "If you like BDSM or other kinds of rough sex, you can still find warm sex extremely enjoyable, and learn from it knowledge that you can use to have more pleasurable BDSM sex too," says Sofie Roos. "It's not only worth trying... but [BDSM fans] can like it just as much, and realize that other types of sex they thought [were] boring are very interesting and alive."

With that in mind, if you want to put the usual aggressive stuff on hold for warm sex, Roos says it can be done. But, of course, you need to communicate to your partner the how and why of warm sex, especially if the concept is completely foreign to them. Roos suggests asking your partner if they find a correlation between love and sex (after all, not everyone does). If your partner says they do, then introduce warm sex by framing it as a way to strengthen emotional connection by slowing things down and shifting the focus. "[Explain] it's investing more time on taking every moment deeper, from foreplay to penetration, and that it's a type of sex that can go on for as long as you want, to where the journey rather than the destination (the climax), is the goal," says Roos. "If you suggest it this way, most people won't say no — just make sure to bring it up in a moment and space where you both feel safe!"

Concerned there's only one way to incorporate warm sex into your life? Then you're in luck: there isn't. "You can have warm sex in plenty of ways," says Sofie Roos. "Orally, vaginally, anally, or without even taking your clothes off, and just focusing on engaging in more foreplay with kisses and emotional intimacy." 

If you want to experience warm sex through sexual positions, you can pick up a copy of the Kama Sutra and see what works for you or take Roos' advice, who suggests The Lotus, Parshva Samputa, or Indrani Pose. All these positions put you and your partner face-to-face where communication and shared pleasure are front and center; there's no room for rushing things and penetration doesn't have to be part of the equation at all. What's also important to realize is that warm sex is going to look different to different people based on gender, sexual identity, and desire. So be open to that fact and talk about what warm sex might be for you and your partner. 

"Warm sex isn't as new as this term makes it sound," says Roos. "Focusing on emotional connection, rather than on having advanced sex positions, maximizing orgasms, or living out kinks and fetishes, is something humans have known is one of the keys to having the most enjoyable sex for hundreds of years." So set aside a block of time — scheduling sex is completely normal and healthy — and give you and your partner the opportunity to try something you never have or haven't done in far too long. Quickies are great, but so is slow and steady.