How To Deal With Your Partner Telling Their Parents About Your Relationship Issues

Relationships require a lot of work. Whether romantic, platonic, or familial, maintaining a healthy connection with people in our lives involves a lot of ups and downs, give and take, and a boatload of conflict resolution skills. Because no relationship is perfect, sometimes we need to vent with someone else about what's going on. While many people rely on their friends for such things, some choose to take their relationship issues to their parents. Which, to no surprise, can be problematic. Especially if it becomes a habit. 

"If you have a healthy relationship with your parents growing up, you see them as mentors and trusted sources who you can turn to for life advice and guidance," Menije Boduryan-Turner, Psy.D. exclusively tells Women. "If you also view your parent's relationship as solid, strong, and healthy, then it could be more of a reason to think of them as insightful and knowledgeable when it comes to solving relationship issues."

Although it's great to have a partner who has a healthy, happy relationship with their parents, there's a line between what's acceptable to share and what's not. After all, your partner's parents are likely to be biased, making them unable to see certain situations clearly, which can lead to you being perceived as the villain. If your partner is running to their parents every time there's an issue in your relationship and you're not okay with that, you need to have a proper sit-down and let them know that their behavior is inappropriate. 

If you find out that your partner is sharing your relationship issues with their parents, your initial reaction may be anger — and no one would blame you. However, allowing yourself to get all riled up just throws more gasoline on the fire. Instead, you want to take a deep breath and step away from that anger, giving it space to cool off because, as Menije Boduryan-Turner, Psy.D. explains, it's more about how you address this situation than anything else. And going in hot-tempered will surely backfire.

"The only way to repair and strengthen your relationship is to address this issue constructively, assertively, and compassionately," says Dr. Menije. You can do that by emphasizing how you're being affected by your partner's decision to tell their parents about your relationship challenges. "Always focus on your feelings and needs and never attack your partner's character for sharing intimate details about your relationship," says Dr. Menijie. 

While you may want to berate your partner for the betrayal they've committed, that will get you nowhere. That's why it's so paramount to stick to "I" statements when talking to your partner. When you say, "I feel this way" or "I'm hurt because of this," and similar phrasing that keeps the attention on you and your pain. Your partner is less likely to feel as though you're coming for them if you remove accusations like, "You did this" or "You did that," from the conversation.

After sharing everything you're feeling and thinking, you need to allow your partner to share why they did what they did. Doing this by asking open-ended questions will allow them to process what you've said, as well as what they've done that has caused turmoil. "This is not to justify or excuse their mistakes," says Menije Boduryan-Turner, Psy.D., "but by asking open-ended questions, you two are more likely to explore what happened and how it can be prevented in the future."

With this approach, you're also opening up the lines of communication regarding your boundaries — not just in your relationship with each other, but your partner's relationship with their parents, as well. "There are times when people talk to their parents about their relationship issues due to poor boundaries between the family of origin versus the family we create," says Dr. Menijie, adding that what's okay to share with parents and what's not okay can become blurred if you haven't learned how to hold romantic and familial relationships in such a way that they co-exist, but don't overlap. That's why setting boundaries and being direct with your partner about your needs are so essential. "When boundaries are set from a place of creating safety in the relationship and not as a means to control the other person, they are more likely to be accepted and honored," says Dr. Menijie.

If neither you nor your partner can stop airing your dirty laundry to people outside your relationship, ask yourselves why this is happening. While it's natural to need to vent, it's important to remember friends aren't therapists and neither are family members. Constantly relying on someone else to "fix" your relationship problems, instead of working together to remedy them, is indicative of something being off in your ability to communicate with each other. Communication is the foundation of every healthy and prosperous relationship. If your communication is flawed, you can't expect the relationship to magically work out on its own. Like a garden, it needs to be tended to.

Should your relationship become too difficult to navigate, bringing in a neutral third party can be helpful. "When bringing in a third party, it is always important to choose someone who has the most objective view and support for your relationship," says Menije Boduryan-Turner, Psy.D. In other words, that third party should be a therapist, not a friend or family member who will naturally take sides. A therapist is not only trained to be objective when dealing with people and their relationship problems, but they also have nothing at stake, unlike a friend or family member. According to a 2022 study published in Family Process, most relationships benefit from professional input. With that in mind, let's normalize couple's therapy once and for all.