Is There Ever A Benefit To Giving Your Partner An Ultimatum?

Ultimatums are a tricky thing to bring into a relationship. While, in some cases, an ultimatum can get you what you want, it doesn't mean you come out a winner. Sometimes, all you've really done is back someone into a corner and force them to go along with you and your demands. In some situations, this means you've inadvertently made your partner turn their back on what's right for them just to keep things copacetic with you.

"Ultimatums are generally thought of as the ultimate red flag that a romantic relationship is doomed, or that one partner is trying to manipulate the other to get their way," Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, exclusively tells Women. "However, we've come across some opposing viewpoints that have us questioning if an ultimatum can actually be beneficial under the right circumstances."

In other words, if an ultimatum is about the betterment, health, and well-being of you, your partner, or your relationship, and traditional communication hasn't worked, then it's not exactly a bad thing and might even be necessary. If it's a toxic ultimatum that's tied up in unrealistic wants, needs, and pettiness, well, that's a whole other thing. However, let's address the situations in which ultimatums aren't just beneficial, but for the best.

Even if you're not the type of person to liberally use ultimatums, they may be necessary when your partner's well-being is at stake. "If the behavior of a partner is abusive or wrong, such as chronic lying, cheating or drug use, you might need to have a conversation with them," says Hafeez. "Tell them you can't stay in the relationship any longer unless these patterns change."

Naturally, you're likely to get pushback on this, and your partner may even accuse you of being a bully or being insensitive to their problems — for example, if there's alcohol or drugs involved. But if you've reached a point where you are giving an ultimatum because of self-harming or relationship-harming issues, there's a good chance you've been putting up with it for too long. 

If your partner doesn't want to turn their life around for themselves, no matter much something might be plaguing them, then you definitely can't expect them to do it for you. Giving an ultimatum is more than reasonable if this is the situation you're in.

If you or anyone you know needs help with addiction issues, help is available. Visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website or contact SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

All relationships need boundaries, as do the two people within that relationship. When boundaries are ignored or continuously crossed, that's a problem. Everyone, no matter how serious the relationship, deserves a life that is their own, and boundaries are in place to ensure that. If laying down the law, so to speak, is what you need to feel safe and comfortable in your relationship, then it is a must and should be respected. 

"Setting a clear boundary ... is appropriate, especially when it protects someone's well-being or establishes critical limits," says Hafeez, adding that setting a boundary doesn't have to be an ultimatum, but rather a direct expression of what you need to feel safe and valued. 

"Ultimately, good relationships exist only in dialogue, compromise, and trust," says Hafeez. "If an ultimatum has to be given, it is usually a sign that something more important needs to be done." It's also indicative of having a partner who refuses to respect your emotional, mental, and physical space. "A healthy relationship includes someone who will prioritize your needs and well-being," says Hafeez.

If things in your relationship are getting too difficult and it feels like an ultimatum might be the only resolution, take a step back and breathe first. Especially if you're aware that the ultimatum is going to end the relationship. "I recommend approaching the situation by having a calm, respectful conversation with the other person," says Hafeez, adding that you should focus on your experiences, like using "I" statements, as opposed to taking the accusatory route of "you" this and "you" that, which can result in a very heated argument. "It's important to communicate your needs," says Hafeez.

You also want to engage in active listening when trying to remedy what's negatively affecting the relationship. "Active listening is just as important as letting your partner respond and confirm their feelings, even if you don't agree," says Dr. Hafeez. "When you enter the discussion with vulnerability and grace, you create space for reconciliation and compromise so that both partners are able to work toward a solution that will benefit you both." 

What this also means is if you're fuming mad at your partner for their behavior, that's not the best time to address a problem. You want to wait until you're calm and feel as though as you can be open as both a communicator and a listener.

If you've said all you needed to over and over again, clearly, honestly, and without an ounce of confrontation, but nothing has penetrated your partner's brain, then maybe what your relationship needs is an ultimatum. If only to prove to your partner just how seriously you're taking things. But make sure you know what you're doing, and have weighed the pros and cons.

"Deciding when to give someone an ultimatum requires careful reflection on your needs, boundaries, and the state of your relationship," says Hafeez. You also want to know beforehand if the issue that has caused the ultimatum is a dealbreaker, should your partner not want to oblige. "Done thoughtfully, an ultimatum can protect your well-being and provide clarity, but it's essential to approach it from a place of self-respect rather than control," says Hafeez.

If even an ultimatum can't shake things up and move the relationship in a healthy direction, it's time to bring in a third party like a therapist or other professional who deals with relationships issues. "This could help you and your partner see one another's perspective and come up with a solution," says Hafeez. "If this does not work or your partner refuses couples therapy, consider ending the relationship." Not every relationship is meant to last. It's best to move on and find someone who's willing to make the effort and respect you.