5 Tips For A Fulfilling Sex Life If You Have A Higher Libido Than Your Partner

When it comes to sex drives, even the happiest couples aren't always on the same page. Your sex life and your stress levels go hand-in-hand, so when life gets in the way, it can decrease your libido for weeks or even months at a time. In other cases, some people just have a sex drive that's naturally on the lower side, and that's fine.

But where a low sex drive can cause an issue is if you're someone with a high libido; especially a libido that's much higher than that of your partner. When this happens, it can become difficult to navigate the desire to be sexually intimate. In fact, a 2018 study published in BMJ Journal found that not only is a lack of interest in sex at various periods in one's life relatively common, but 34% of women and 15% of men can reportedly take it or leave it. In other words, humans may be inherently sexual beings, but that doesn't mean every one of us wants to get it on 24/7.

Because a libido discrepancy can take a toll on a relationship if not handled delicately, Women exclusively spoke to sexologist and relationship therapist, Sofie Roos of Passionerad about how to broach the subject with your partner. Just because you and your partner have different sex drives doesn't mean you two can't have a fulfilling sex life.

When addressing a serious topic, like having a higher sex drive than your partner, you want to remove all accusations from the equation. Instead, focus on how you're feeling, and of course, find the right moment to do it. "Actually set aside time where you can sit down [and talk]," says Sofie Roos. "It's always a great idea to say that you'd like to talk about your sex life and ask them when they think there's a good time." If you let your partner pick the time and place, that allows them to choose a space in which they feel safe and relaxed, creating an even playing field.

When it comes down to the actual conversation, Roos suggests starting with all the things you love about the sex life you and your partner have together — and don't be afraid to get into details, highlighting your favorite parts. As they say, you get more bees with honey, so you want to start the conversation on a high and positive note, then get into what you're feeling regarding your higher libido. Be honest and clear about your feelings, using "I" statements and pointing out that this is something "we," as in both of you, can work together to remedy.

Healthy conversations about delicate subjects should allow each partner to have their turn to state their feelings and thoughts. If you're both talking at once, nothing is heard and communication is being lost. Since you've said what you wanted to say about the libido discrepancy and did so without accusations or blame, you now want to ask your partner open questions. But make sure you do so by not leading your partner into saying what they wouldn't say otherwise.

"Don't ask 'why don't you want to have sex with me as much as I want to have sex with you?'" says Roos, "but rather 'how could I make you more interested in getting intimate, is there something that you miss or feel like I could do for you?'" You really want to take the time to get to the bottom of things. Of course, it could simply be that your partner doesn't have sex on the brain as much as you do, but offering ways to meet their needs and wants shows that you care not just about their sexual pleasure, but their emotional and mental health. Make sure that when your partner is talking and expressing their feelings, you don't interrupt them. Completely give them the floor to say everything they need to say.

Solutions to libido discrepancies look different in every relationship. However, Sofie Roos is adamant that you shouldn't make compromises. "It's never good to compromise when it comes to sex," says Roos. "That means the partner not wanting to be sexual as often as the other partner needs to sacrifice themselves at times, going along even if they actually don't want to — and that's not how you build a healthy and stimulating sex life ... it should be built on free will and enthusiasm."

In your search for a solution, make sure your partner knows that you're working together as a team to find something that benefits you both. Although there are many reasons why your partner might have a low sex drive, sometimes it can come down to boredom and the need to spice things up. Because this could be a possibility, let yourselves get curious about things you haven't tried before and discuss maybe exploring them. "It can be anything from involving sex toys or using handcuffs and blindfolds, to discovering tantra sex or roleplaying," says Roos. "Doing new things stimulates the spark between you!"

But you also want to make sure that the lines of communication are open about what you and your partner don't like, especially from the partner with a lower libido. For some people, it doesn't take much to get turned off and that's something that should be recognized. After all, the ick is real even in loving, long-term relationships.

When people talk about libidos, they tend to focus on heteronormative P-in-V sex, as if that's the only type of sex people are having. Of course, that's not the only way to experience sexual pleasure, and sexual intimacy is part of a very wide spectrum. So, let you and your partner get creative about other ways to enjoy each other's company that fulfills you both, without pressuring the partner with the lower libido to do something they simply aren't interested in doing.

"For some people, it might feel okay to kiss and cuddle," says Sofie Roos. "In other words, foreplay but without getting touchy around the genitals. For others, taking a shower together, hugging, kissing, and soaping each other up can be an intimate moment that's not necessarily about sex." But as Roos points out, intimacy doesn't even have to involve getting sexual at all. Keeping your clothes on and having deep, meaningful conversations, taking a class together, or just spending quality time in each other's presence can be equally, if not more intimate. "Focusing on building a stronger and more emotionally intimate connection outside of the bedroom can result in more frequent sex," says Roos, adding that investing time in showing appreciation and love creates stronger emotional bonds that might pique one's interest in sex, even if their libido has been low for a long time.

If your libido is higher than your partner's, know that you're not alone. Nor is there anything wrong with you or with your partner. Libidos change over time and while you may be the one with the higher libido now, it doesn't mean you won't be the partner with the lower libido at some point in your relationship. It's this little thing called waxing and waning, and it's normal. While you and your partner may never find yourself on the same page as you did during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when you couldn't get enough of each other, it doesn't mean that every libido discrepancy is permanent.

"Just make sure that the periods you experience with less sex don't make you lose all the other intimacy in the relationship," says Sofie Roos. "That's a classic mistake where a difference in libido can harm a relationship, something that can be avoided if you and your partner are maintaining all the other types of intimacy between you." In time, your partner's interest in sex may come back. If it doesn't and remains perpetually low, enough to cause concern, then it never hurts to contact your doctor. There may be an underlying health issue that's causing your partner's low libido.