Want To Try A New Kink? How To Tell Your Partner Without Being Awkward

Although there are oodles of positives to sexual wellness, one of the most exciting is exploration. When we open our minds up to new things, we allow ourselves to experience pleasure in ways we may have never even conceived possible. When that happens, you're not only tapped into new territory in the uncharted waters of your sexuality, but you also gain a better understanding of what makes you tick.

"Kinky" is a word that tends to get a bad rap. If we go by the Merriam-Webster definition of "kinky," it simply means "outlandish" or "far-out" — neither of which are considered taboo. It's only when used alongside sex and sexuality that some people clutch their pearls in horror (despite probably having a kink of their own). According to a 2022 study published in Current Opinion in Psychology, roughly 45 to 60% of people consider themselves "kinky." Of that percentage, only 20 to 46.8% have indulged in kinky behavior. While not everyone has the desire to act on their kinks, there should be nothing stopping those who do. 

If you have a kink you've been wanting to give a whirl, conveying that interest and desire to a partner can feel daunting. Because no one should be forced to just sit around thinking about their kink, Women exclusively spoke to AASECT-certified sexuality educator Amber Mallery, MPH, about how to tell your partner you have a kink and that it's something you'd like to try with them.

You don't have to be a card-carrying member of the sexual kink community or dress up in latex every day to be considered kinky. While a 2022 study in Current Opinion in Psychology put the percentage of people who have kinks in the 45 to 60% bracket, the reality is that if you enjoy something that strays even remotely from conventional P-in-V sex, then by the powers that be, you're kinky.

"To put it simply, everyone has a kink," Amber Mallery tells Women. "[This is] because kinkiness is dictated off the socio-cultural norms, and who fits into those? Knowing you are kinky is as simple as knowing you are sexual. Your desires, needs, and wants all make up various kinks that make up your sexual fantasies."

If you like to be spanked during sex, that's a kink. If you like to be handcuffed or blindfolded while engaging in sexual activity, those are also kinks. If you're aroused by the fact that you've conquered sexting like a pro, that's a kink. Once we remove the negative connotations that lead to a boatload of misconceptions about kink, it becomes easier to embrace your kink, as well as those of your partner(s).

Whether we want to blame the Puritanical beginnings of the United States, religion, sex ed not teaching you enough, or internalized fear and shame, when you make a big deal about kinks and kinkiness, you're giving it power. In doing so, you're not just playing into societal and cultural norms, but contributing to a false narrative about what it means to be kinky.

"Talking to your partner about your 'kink' is just like talking to your partner in any other way," says Amber Mallery. "Be clear, honest, and direct about your desires." Mallery suggests coming to the conversation with facts and knowledge about your kink, especially if it's more on the niche end of things. If your kink is practicing a form of bondage, that's very common and something your partner has probably heard of. But if your kink is something like breath play — a sex act in which oxygen is limited to provide a sexual thrill — then that's going to require a bit more explaining on your part. You also better be sure you and your partner are educated on the dos and don'ts of breath play before heading down that road. But, again, don't turn the conversation into a high-stakes situation just because you're talking about a kink.

When it comes to presenting your desire to your partner, Amber Mallery suggests using "I" statements. You also want to leave room for a back-and-forth dialogue that's steeped in honest communication. "Leave the door open and offer assurance," says Mallery.

A great place to start is by getting to the heart of the matter with something like, "I have something that I'm interested in trying." When we use "I," especially during conversations that might be difficult or awkward, we're taking accountability for our feelings and experiences without putting anything on the other person. According to a 2018 study published in The Open Access Journal for Life and Environment Research, "I" statements prevent defensive reactions or possible hostility because they assume ownership of what's being said.

After you've laid out your "I" statements, ask your partner their thoughts by giving them the floor to say whatever they want without interruption. "Overall, you should've established trust and communication with a partner so they feel assured and secure in saying yes, no, or maybe," says Mallery. In some cases, your partner may need time and want to do their research. Even if someone doesn't share your kink, it doesn't mean they can't educate themselves on it, which could lead to them possibly becoming intrigued enough to want to try it. But if it's a no, then you must accept it. This isn't about learning to navigate a kink gap in your relationship; it's about respecting your partner's boundaries. 

In some sexual situations, you think that compromising is the best way to solve an imbalance, but Amber Mallery doesn't subscribe to that mentality. "I do not believe in compromises in sex. I think they often fall on the more disempowered in the partnership," says Mallery. "Some people compromise out of insecurity or fear. A 'no' is a 'no,' [and] if that leaves you unfulfilled then it's up to you to navigate how your future looks."

If your partner doesn't want to try your kink because they associate kinkiness with guilt or shame, then that's something to tackle together. "It's really hard to be empowered in our kinks and sexual desires," says Mallery. "The very fact we call them 'kinks' means they exist outside the 'norm,' which can cause anyone to feel insecure or shameful."

While Mallery explains that these feelings are valid, instead of avoiding them, she suggests unlearning those emotions by allowing yourself to move through the shame and remind yourself it's been taught to you. If you think that sex therapy is a good option for you and your partner to conquer this issue, then don't hesitate to contact a professional. After all, as Mallery points out, sex has been kinky since the dawn of time. "What truly matters is safety, consent, empowerment, and knowledge," says Mallery. "Sometimes, being 'depraved' is being human, more than abstaining just to please someone who isn't in your bed."