Major Valentine's Day Red Flags To Watch Out For This Year
For some, Valentine's Day is a big deal. It's the one day a year when you expect your partner to go above and beyond in showing their affection. Whether that means dinner at a Michelin-star restaurant, sending a dozen roses to the office, or gifting a new vibrator, (after all there are many benefits to bringing toys into your sex life), Valentine's Day is traditionally about showing love for your loved ones.
However, not everyone is on board with Valentine's Day. There are those who dismiss it as a commercial holiday (which isn't entirely wrong), others who don't think they need a "special" day to express their love, and some who just straight-up dislike Valentine's Day as a way to rebel against convention. While personal feelings about Valentine's Day shouldn't be judged, the problem is when you have two people who are on opposite ends of the Valentine's Day spectrum.
"If your partner says Valentine's Day is superficial and silly, that is okay," Dr. Terri Orbuch, professor at Oakland University in Michigan and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great," exclusively tells Women. "The question is more about whether they celebrate with you and recognize the holiday with you, given your desires. You may not change their beliefs about the day, but the essential question is can they celebrate the day with you because it's important to you." As Orbuch points out, relationships are about compromises, but if your partner can't give you the Valentine's Day you want, it can be a red flag.
Your partner doesn't even acknowledge Valentine's Day
It doesn't matter how much your partner might loathe Valentine's Day or think it's ridiculous — it exists. It's not just right there on the calendar, but it's existed for centuries. In fact, if you need someone to blame for the whole tradition, there's a 14th-century poet named Geoffrey Chaucer (maybe you've heard of him) who wrote a 699-line poem called, "Parliament of Fowls," that allegedly started the correlation between romantic love and Saint Valentine's Day.
But history lesson aside, if your partner can't (or won't) say "Happy Valentine's Day" to you, especially if they know how important the day is to you, that's not just a red flag, but disrespectful. They're dismissing your needs so they can continue not acknowledging the day, maybe just to make some kind of statement.
As Orbuch points out, if you find yourself reminding your partner it's Valentine's Day and communicating its importance to you, but you're not getting anything in return — not even a quick, casual, "Happy V-Day" — that's not right. Especially considering you're likely to be wished a happy Valentine's Day wherever you go on February 14, from the coffee shop to the pharmacy. Your partner can't say it? "This indicates that your partner is not attentive to you or your needs, which in the short-term and long-term isn't healthy for you," says Orbuch. Nor is it a positive sign for the longevity of the relationship.
You were explicit about what you had in mind for Valentine's Day and they ignored it
If your relationship is fairly new and you end up with nothing from your partner when Valentine's Day rolls around, you have to take responsibility for that. If your partner isn't into Valentine's Day, they may assume you might not be either. On the other hand, if "you communicate directly and effectively that you would like to recognize Valentine's Day in some way ... and they don't hear you or care about its importance to you," that's something to be wary of, says Orbuch.
The key here is not to "leave your partner guessing about what might be the best route, activity, or way to celebrate the day," says Orbuch. "It is okay to directly state what you want to do and how you want to celebrate Valentine's Day." And, as one half of a relationship, it's not too much to ask that your partner give some input on the matter. If they're still not fully engaging in plans or seem aloof, then it's time for a chat.
"You may have to directly communicate to them that discussion about how to resolve your differences is important," says Orbuch. "[Tell them] you would like to set a time to discuss and negotiate your differences." Still, the fact that you have take that step can also be a red flag. You want to play this game every February 14 for the next decade or longer? Probably not.
Your partner tells you the occasions you consider important just aren't
If your partner isn't into Valentine's Day and you've accepted it (albeit, begrudgingly), then good for you. And hey, why not plan an an epic Galentine's Day theme party with your friends instead? But if it turns out that your partner isn't just anti-Valentine's Day, but other special days too, that's an issue. And a serious one.
It can be a big red flag if "they tell you that, in general, all expressions of love, romance, and holidays like birthdays and/or anniversaries are silly or superficial (or) not important," says Orbuch. Especially if "they are not willing to recognize these days, nor change given the importance to you." It's fine if someone doesn't want to celebrate your one-month or three-month anniversary, and would rather hold out for the yearly one, but to completely disregard a day that marks the beginning of your relationship can be indicative of how little they think of your relationship. The same thing can be said if they don't care about your birthday — if it weren't for the day you born, they wouldn't know you, so it shouldn't just be recognized, but celebrated.
Of course, if you share your partner's thoughts on these particular things, that's one thing. But if you don't — if you're the Kelly Kapoor in the relationship and your partner is acting like Ryan Howard — well, we all know how that relationship ended up. If you can't recall, maybe it's time to rewatch "The Office," so you can find solace in Kelly's struggles.
You've done the work, but ended up nowhere
If you've been clear and explained to your partner just how important it is that you two celebrate Valentine's Day together, and you feel like you've made no impact on their ability to understand its significance to you, it might be time to consider other options. Because at this point, it's not so much about Valentine's Day, but about not acknowledging and honoring your needs. If you've communicated to your partner these things to your best of your ability and it's fallen on deaf ears, enough is enough.
"This is a situation where you have to decide if this is the right relationship for you," says Orbuch. "You need to identify how important expressions of love and romance, in general, are to you. If you find these expressions very essential and meaningful in the short-term or long-term, you will be unhappy and dissatisfied with your partner and relationship going forward."
It might be time to let your partner go — even if it happens to be on Valentine's Day. Although you may be bothered by breaking up on Valentine's Day, staying in a relationship to avoid being alone on a specific day is never a good idea. Also, the sooner you end it, the more time you'll have to find someone who values Valentine's Day as much as you do, just in time for next February.