Your Guide To Initiating Sex More — Even If You're Shy

When it comes to relationships, sex is important. No matter how you define it, sex can be necessary in making partners feel physically, mentally, and emotionally close. While sex isn't required for the longevity of a relationship, it helps with satisfaction levels in all corners of the partnership. 

But as much as you might crave sex with your partner, not everyone has the same sex initiation style, nor does everyone feel comfortable initiating. This can especially be the case if you identify as a woman and are in a heterosexual relationship because gender roles have made us feel like we shouldn't have agency over our sexual desire. According to a 2020 survey of over 4000 people by sex educator Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD, in hetero couples, 50% of men reported usually being the initiators of sex, while only 28% of women could say the same. Dr. Lehmiller also found that when it comes to women and men fantasizing about initiating sex with their partner, they're both on the same page: women want to be able to do it more, and men also want their partners to be more assertive. So, the urge is there, it's just about overcoming whatever's standing in your way.

Because everyone should feel comfortable to let their partner know they're in the mood, Women exclusively spoke to sexologist and relationship therapist, Sofie Roos of Passionerad, about how to initiate sex. Even if you consider yourself shy, you can make the first move.

Not everyone can stroll up to their partner and say out loud, "Hey baby, let's get it on," and that's fair! Even if you're a sexually open-minded person, trying to find the right words to say you're in the mood for sex isn't always easy. Because of this, non-verbal cues really come in handy.

"Sex is one of those things where humans tend to communicate more in actions and gestures than in words," says Sofie Roos, adding that taking the physical initiative when you're aroused isn't just the easiest way to go, but also says so much without needing to speak a single word. "For example, start making out or start touching your partner in a way that lets them know you're more interested in them than in the movie," says Roos. If you continue to take this route of initiating sex with your partner, then like Pavlov's dog, your partner will become more attuned to what physical gestures and touches are signals that you're in the mood, and you're hoping they are too.

There's a reason why boudoir photo shoots have become so popular: they paint an erotic picture without the need for words. If you feel that starting a make-out session in the middle of the most recent episode of "The White Lotus" or sexually touching your partner's knee during dinner is a bit too far out of your comfort zone, then let lingerie help you out.

Sofie Roos suggests putting on something ultra-sexy, then waiting for your partner to arrive home, or surprise them by joining them on the couch for movie night in something lacy and sultry that'll help shift their headspace to somewhere more erotic. With just a simple clothing choice, you've set the mood in a low-key, subtle way that shows action and intention on your end.

If you're afraid you can't pull off the seduction via lingerie due to your shyness or because you've never been someone who's rocked lingerie before, then it's time to give it a try and reap the benefits. "Wearing nice quality underwear or lingerie sets boost our confidence and self-esteem, even if no one sees it," behavioral psychologist Carolyn Mair told HuffPost. "Feeling confident can make us appear more physically attractive because we tend to stand, walk, speak, and gesticulate differently." All that confidence will likely make initiating sex feel easier.

Because many of us grew up in the age of technology, where life before cellphones doesn't seem real, using technology to convey your desires might be the easiest way to initiate sex. "You don't necessarily need to ask your partner how you can make your sex life more active over text, but you can tease them and try to turn them on," says Sofie Roos. Even if you're still figuring out sexting like a pro and have a ways to go, you can still plant sexual thought seeds in your partner's head with a few dirty words or some suggestive photos. "Send messages that give them a hint of what's waiting for them when you see each other again," says Roos. "Take the time to build up expectations and keep the fantasy going."

If you find yourself struggling to find the right words or aren't comfortable sending full or even partial nudes (which is more than okay), there's no shame in borrowing from the experts. For example, a couple of lines by Anaïs Nin, an iconic writer of erotica, can certainly help your cause, or even copying and pasting a few Sabrina Carpenter lyrics can tell your partner the things you can't say yourself.

If your inability to initiate sex has nothing to do with gender norms and is, instead, steeped in the fear of rejection, then you must learn to read your partner's body language. People can be very clear about their wants and needs if you pay attention to their body movements and how they carry themselves. This also means that if your partner is open to having sex, they'll likely (hopefully) pick up on the cues you've been sending their way, no matter what route you've chosen to take. After all, you can't text someone the lyrics of "Bed Chem" and leave them wondering what you might be trying to say. Those lyrics say it all and then some.

However, if you're trying to take steps to initiate sex more, it may be because there's a sex drive discrepancy in your relationship, and you might have a higher libido than your partner. Although this is completely normal and is common among most couples at different points in their relationship, it's no longer about you trying to get lucky, but about finding a happy medium by prioritizing intimacy without sex in a way that can satisfy everyone involved.

Let's be honest: Not everyone can pick up on hints. Even a partner you've been with for years may not get that you're trying to initiate sex, especially if you've never tried before. If you find yourself in this situation, no matter how shy or reserved you may be, you'll have to use your words.

"Bring the topic up in a situation where you feel safe and comfortable," explains Sofie Roos. "Start by saying, 'I've been trying to initiate more sex lately, is that something you have noticed and how do you feel about it?'" Some people, even the ones we love most, can be clueless through no fault of their own, so we have to be direct. "When it comes to getting comfortable in communicating about sex, it often helps to define what you'd like to talk about first," says Roos. Preparation is key. 

The more you tackle the topic, the more the conversation will flow, and the more natural your initiation skills will become. Before you know it, you'll be able to take on heavier subjects like telling your partner about a kink you want to try or sharing other fantasies. But you can't get to kinky and spicy sex if you can't even talk about sex in general. Let yourself feel a bit awkward and practice as much as you can, so you can ultimately have the most satisfying sex life possible.