Michelle Obama Gives Masterclass In Unlearning People Pleasing Behavior

Even the greats struggle to say no sometimes. On her April 23, 2025 podcast "IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson," Michelle Obama candidly opened up about her journey in shedding people-pleasing behaviors and doing what's right for her, regardless of public pushback or disappointing others. We saw this when she chose to skip Donald Trump's 2025 Inauguration. The decision resulted in an onslaught of criticism, along with speculation about her private life — especially given that her husband was in attendance for the event.

But it turns out those rumors were indeed just rumors, and Obama's decision to pass on the event was simply a personal choice — albeit, not an easy one given the expectations placed on her. "It took everything in my power to not do the thing that was perceived as right, but do the things that was right for me, that was a hard thing for me to do," she said. She added that to get out of it officially and assuage some of her guilt, she had to trick herself into thinking she didn't have a dress for the event. This wouldn't be the first time Michelle Obama has had to go against the public's expectations of her. In 2024, she officially announced she would never run for president, despite the many calls from followers — and even her own colleagues — to do so. That time, her reason for saying 'no' wasn't a lack of a dress, but a lack of passion.

Obama's struggle is relatable. According to a YouGov poll, over one-third of adult women consider themselves to be people-pleasers at work. And while having an excuse like nothing to wear is definitely a helpful tip, Obama's willingness to say no at all is noteworthy. Only now, rather than say what people want to hear, the former First Lady is teaching us how to stay true to ourselves.

In addition to figuring out how to say no to the public, Michelle Obama has talked about curbing people-pleasing behaviors in her close relationships, namely in her marriage with 44th president Barack Obama. Her 2018 memoir, "Becoming" recounts how she had to find her own way after years of making sacrifices to support her husband's political ambitions — despite her own dislike for the field. On Sophia Bush's podcast, she said that she believed gender was a factor in this tendency. "[W]e, as women, I think we struggle with disappointing people," she said. "This couldn't be a grown woman just making a set of decisions for herself, right? But that's what society does to us. We start actually finally going, 'What am I doing? Who am I doing this for?'" 

In the years since, saying 'no' hasn't necessarily become easier for Obama, but it's certainly more possible thanks to some personal work. She explained to Sophia Bush that she believes the secret is to treat saying no like a muscle you have to exercise intentionally. The idea is to "rewire those neurons" in your head that feed negative self-talk. In other words, 'no' cannot be passive, but something you claim with confidence. Obama also shared on her own podcast that therapy has been helpful in strengthening this ability; particularly with learning how to define life on your own terms..