Make Your Friends Laugh Thanks to 22 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

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Congrats, you're no longer the boring friend!

These Comical Jerry Seinfeld Quotes Will Make Your Day

Beloved comedian, Jerry Seinfeld delivers to us these hilarious quotes that'll have you gasping for air. By the time you're done with these, you won't be surprised to learn that he's become the richest comedian in the world. Who knew you could be rich and famous just by being funny? Seinfeld is a special case, though - he can pull out a joke from just about anywhere!

As a stand-up comedian, actor, producer, and director, Seinfeld has had plenty of life experience to draw from. More than anything, he's a husband and a father - and his jokes won't let you forget that!

If there's one thing all humans can agree to love, it's the spirit of joy and laughter. These funny quotes by Jerry Seinfeld will even get a laugh out of your most dull and humorless friends. Prepare to be totally amused and begging for more comical one-liners from America's favorite comedian.

Hilarious Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

  • "You can be passionate about anything. Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box."

  • "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."

  • "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."

  • "Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him. Who would you assume is in charge?"

  • "Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."

  • "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

  • "Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."

Funny Jerry Seinfeld Quotes You Didn't Know You Needed

  • "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

  • "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

  • "My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time."

  • "Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky."

  • "Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner."

  • "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

  • "The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"

Try Not To Laugh At These Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

  • "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

  • "I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu."

  • "Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested."

  • "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."

  • "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

  • "Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think."

  • "When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself."

  • "I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me."

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