These Are Hands Down the Best South Park Quotes, Ever

Cartoon characters from Comedy Central, Cartman, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle in South Park with snowy terrain
via Comedy Central Productions

"Respect ma authoritah!"

Do What You Want With The Best South Park Quotes from the Entire Series

South Park has given us countless incredible episodes, ridiculous characters, and hearty laughs. It is one of the most provocative shows on TV and for good reason. Trey Parker and Matt Stone really know how to push the envelope when it comes to jokes. And because of that, we thought fans of the show would love to revisit some of the best South Park quotes. Enjoy some funny lines from your favorite characters below!

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South Park Quotes

  • "No! I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?" - Skeeter

  • "You don't even know anything about Christianity!" - Stan

  • "I know enough to exploit it." - Cartman

  • "The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye." - Cartman

  • "Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!" - Cartman

  • "Didn't break any rules! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters!" - Stephen

  • "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!" - Stan

  • "Ay! Your holding up the goddamn lunch line!" - Cartman

  • "Well I'm sorry Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die!" - Mr. Garrison

  • "I just realized that there’s a lot of painful times in life so I better learn to deal with it the right way." - Stan

  • "Well then don’t buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are. Not what’s cool." - Chef

  • "Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!" - Kyle

Best South Park Quotes

  • "I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid." - Cartman

  • "You're all fake and stuck up, and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy his jokes aren't funny! The only kid here with a sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have heads up your butts!" - Butter

  • "You know what they say: You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks." - Chef

  • "America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium." - Stan

  • "Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!" - Cartman

  • "Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!" - Pip

  • "We're all a little gay." - Jimbo

  • "Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!" - Stan

  • "Hippies. They're everywhere. They wanna save Earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad." - Cartman

  • "Without evil there could be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometimes." - Satan

  • "There have been malicious rumors started at this elementary school that my beautiful fiancée is a Hobbit. That is not funny and it is not true. Yes, she is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body and yes, she has a friend named Gandalf, who happens to be a wizard." - Stan

  • "It's Stan's stupid Captain America costume, that's what throwing everybody off! How's people supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freaking FaceTime?" - Cartman

Funny South Park Quotes

  • "No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding."

  • "The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!" - Cartman

  • "A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?" - Butters

  • "I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body." - Cartman

  • "It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters." - Cartman

  • "This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick." - Kyle

  • "Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!" - Chef

  • "Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!" - Cartman

  • "I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!" - Mr. Garrison

  • "The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien. You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal." - Mr. Hankey

  • "I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams." - Butters

  • "Hey guys, check out this song I made up, it's called 'I hate you guys.' I hate you guys! You guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most!." - Cartman

  • "Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?" - Cartman

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