38 Chelsea Handler Quotes You Should Live Your Life By

Chelsea Handler in a dressing room, smiling, with blonde hair
via Instagram: @chelseahandler

Chelsea Handler Quotes That Are So Funny, They Should Be Your Life Motto

Chelsea Handler has some advice for you.

She's never been shy or reserved so why not use some of her quotes as a guide in life? From her Netflix specials to her standup, she's said some seriously funny things that can be applied to most events in life. Whether you're breaking up with a significant other or need a night out with your friends, the talented comedian has some sage advice. And while she's changing the way she approaches comedy and the things that come with it, these Chelsea Handler quotes are pretty perfect.

Chelsea Handler Quotes

  • "Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway."

  • "You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and don't let anybody tell you to stop it."

  • "There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."

  • "I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around."

  • "I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people."

  • "Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person."

  • "I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants."

  • "All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff'."

  • "Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her."

  • "When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point."

Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes

  • "The saying that money doesn’t buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps."

  • "Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don’t get into fights with other people."

  • "There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder."

  • "At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."

  • "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."

  • "You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself."

  • "Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings."

  • "I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle."

  • "I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?"

  • "There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline."

The Best Chelsea Handler Quotes

  • "One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern."

  • "I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense."

  • "It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue."

  • "There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning."

  • "I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss."

  • "I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian."

  • "If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't."

  • "I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them."

  • "Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself."

  • "A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim."

  • "Vomit and feces are two reasons I have decided not to procreate."

  • "Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either."

  • "Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men."

  • "It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be."

  • "I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker."

  • "I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself."

  • "The Backstreet Boys are releasing a new album, and all their fans ovaries are releasing their last eggs."

  • "The face of an angel, the mind of a devil, and a heart of gold."

Let's Keep the Conversation Going...

What's your favorite Chelsea Handler quote? We want to know!

Tweet us @womendotcom or follow us on Facebook and Instagram!