The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives Is Teaching Us How To Spot Friendship Red Flags

Everyone is talking about "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives," and we totally understand why.
The Hulu series has raised some serious sex questions (such as what the heck is soaking?), as well as inspired viewers to weigh out all the pros and cons of soft swinging post-Taylor Frankie Paul's notorious TikTok Live confession video.

But beyond the many viral moments and conversations they've inspired, the series is giving viewers some important life lessons. As well as being ridiculously entertaining, the #MomTok ladies' (many) ups and downs offer a blueprint for spotting and navigating friendship red flags.

Throughout the series, #MomTokkers Jennifer Affleck, Jessi Ngatikaura, Taylor Frankie Paul, Mayci Neeley, Demi Engemann, Layla Taylor, Mikayla Matthews, and Whitney Leavitt deal with lies, jealousy, boundary crossing, and, so much more. And although we can't confirm the current state of their friendships at the time of writing, we know witnessing The Saints and The Sinners' destructive friendship traits in Season 1 can help us all do better at staying out of toxic relationships.

In any friendship, trust is the glue that holds a bond together. The quickest way to betray that is by carelessly or deliberately spilling someone's secrets to others. In one particularly poignant episode of "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" Season 1, viewers saw Whitney Leavitt and Mayci Neeley disrespect Demi Engemann's privacy by telling another friend, Mikayla Matthews, about a private sex confession that Engemann shared with her closest friends during a girls' trip.

To make matters even more complicated, later, at a Galentine's party, Leavitt publicly embarrassed Engemann by gifting her a huge box of the cereal, purposefully presenting it in front of the group. "So dumb," Engemann said after opening the box, looking visibly embarrassed as the other women laughed. While it's common for many friend groups to joke with each other, the fact that Leavitt chose to make a joke out of such a sensitive and private matter suggets she did not care about Engemann's boundaries, which is a massive red flag, as she did not take into consideration how it would make Engeman feel. The irony? Leavitt's party was supposed to be all about women supporting women. 

Engemann later confirmed in an aside to camera that she'd made it clear to the girls that the incident in question "was completely intimate and off the table." She added that she and her husband agreed to never tell another soul — something Leavitt seemed to be aware of, but didn't respect. Thankfully, Engemann's relationship with her husband didn't appear too rocked by the incident, but it's certainly a red flag when a supposed close friend is willing to expose very intimate secrets and break trust just for a joke gift.

Everyone has the right to leave a situation that isn't serving them. That includes a group chat that feels toxic. But when Whitney Leavitt suddenly exited the #MomTok convo in Episode 5, it created lots of questions and confusion among the group. Fellow group chat member Mayci Neeley later reached out and accused Leavitt of being dramatic, noting that she'd received calls from the women of #MomTok asking why Leavitt left.

"'No one called me. You could've called me,'" Leavitt retorted. "If someone had left that group chat I would have immediately called them. I would immediately text them and say, 'Is everything okay?'" She denied leaving the chat to get one of the girls to chase her though, instead claiming she did it to distance herself from the friend group. Only, later that episode, Leavitt was back with the #MomTok clan at Layla Taylor's divorce party, suggesting that space wasn't actually the primary reason she exited the convo.

One can't help but feel Leavitt may have been trying to make the women feel sorry for her, because she seemed hyper-focused on who got in contact without considering the friendship group may have been respecting her request for space. In any case, her immediate condemnation of her friends for not reading her mind is a red flag. Moreover, her choice to make a statement by exiting the group chat suddenly, rather than talk about her feelings is a cause for concern. As psychologist Dr. Perpetua Neo, an expert in dark-triad personalities, told Business Insider, "Drama is a very big thing when we talk about toxic friends. A toxic friend tends to be someone who sucks us in either by being very amazing, very grandiose, or by being this sad creature that needs our help."  

Speaking behind someone else's back is unfortunately quite the common practice, especially in larger friendship groups. But "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" ladies waved that red flag and proved that two-faced people never prosper. During a truth game, it was revealed that Demi Engemann told Whitney Leavitt that she thought Jennifer Affleck was "too Mormon." In response, Affleck told Engemann, "It's frustrating that you didn't confront me first." While one could argue Affleck showed a lot of emotional maturity for being honest about her feelings, she then exposed Engemann for calling Taylor Frankie Paul "white trash" behind her back. And all the behind-the-scenes gossiping led to an almighty fight, which no one should have to experience in their friendship group.

The scene showed us how cautious we need to be of people who are willing to say negative things about us without our knowledge. Not only do the negative comments usually come to light in the end, but this behaviour can signal a so-called friend isn't emotionally mature enough to have a meaningful friendship or open discussions. Engemann's actions also waved the red flag that if someone is speaking about one person behind their back, they are probably doing the same about multiple people — including you.

During Episode 4, we saw Whitney Leavitt admit she was jealous of Frankie Taylor Paul because she felt she'd been forgiven quicker for her scandal. "I was jealous of the forgiveness Taylor got during that whole time of the swinging drama," Leavitt said. The problem here is that, while it's natural to feel jealousy (and jealousy can even be healthy sometimes!) it has no place in a close friendship in regular or heavy doses. Especially when it stems from negative feelings attached to someone trying to do better. "At the end of the day, you should still have good feelings toward your friend and want what's best for them overall," clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior explained to Women's Health. But we didn't really feel Leavitt was happy to see Frankie Paul return to the #MomTok group after her notorious TikTok Live video. The show revealed Leavitt was gunning for the role of #MomTok Queen Bee amid Frankie Paul's downfall, potentially making her an overly competitive friend.

To make matters worse, Jessi Ngatikaura claimed that Leavitt still hadn't been totally open with the other #MokTokkers about her true feelings toward Frankie Paul. Ngatikaura accused Leavitt of being unwilling to sitting down with Frankie Paul to discuss feeling jealous of her fame. "It's so crazy to me that Whitney's not honest about her feelings of jealousy, because she's very honest about it when Taylor's not around," she said. "And when asked to Taylor's face, Whitney lies about it? Come on. The truth has to come out sometime." Lying even when given the chance to have a meaningful discussion and progress the relationship? Red flag.

Jennifer Affleck is one of the more conservative members of the #MomTok group, and her friends are aware of her boundaries as a religious, married woman. With that in mind, it should rightfully raise some eyebrows that fellow #MomToker Jessi Ngatikaura booked the group a surprise night at The Chippendales during their trip to Las Vegas in Episode 6, knowing Affleck wouldn't feel comfortable. "I feel like the girls in this group can be a little uptight and I am definitely the one in the group that likes to be a little more relaxed and have fun," Ngatikaura explained during a confessional aside.

While there's nothing wrong with wanting to create a fun night where people can let their hair down, Ngatikaura's decision to plan something she knew would make one of her friend's uncomfortable comes off as both selfish and disrespectful. "A main sign that someone doesn't respect your boundaries is if they don't stop their actions after you've expressed discomfort," Quinelle Hickman, a licensed individual and couples therapist, told PsychCentral. "If you've essentially asked for something to stop and someone attempts to persuade you otherwise or continues to engage in activities you're against, those are signs they don't respect your boundaries."

The other red flag is Ngatikaura's insistence on remaining secretive about the event. Even after Affleck asked about where they were going, she still wouldn't tell. It's safe to assume this is because Ngatikaura knew Affleck wouldn't want to go, which is a major red flag that suggests Ngatikaura was doing everything she can to try and control the situation, which wasn't fair to anyone in the group. Later in the episode, things totally blew up between Affleck and her husband in a fractious phone call, leading herself and Taylor Frankie Paul to head home.