A Beginner's Guide To Sapphic Sex (For If You're Dating Women For The First Time)

Trying anything new sexually can be daunting, but having sapphic sex for the first time can be particularly anxiety-inducing, especially if you don't have a lot of experience with same-sex relationships. Sapphic generally refers to sexual attraction or activity between people who identify as female, which can encompass cis women, lesbians, trans people, bisexual people, pansexual people, queer people, demisexual people, aromantic people, and more. Regardless of how you identify, having woman-on-woman sex for the first time can be intimidating. 

But trying something new in the bedroom shouldn't be scary. Sure, being a little nervous is natural, especially in such vulnerable situations, but we never want our nerves to get the best of us. That's why we're sharing some of the very best sapphic sex advice out there, with a little help from Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness, who spoke exclusively to Women. Take a look at our tips to quell the nerves and amp up the pleasure.

Having sapphic sex for the first time may feel a little awkward, especially if your past intimate experiences have been strictly heterosexual or you have no sexual experience at all. But it's important not to let any initial awkward moments stop the fun. Almost everyone feels some nervousness at first — non-virgins, think back on how clumsy losing your virginity likely was. Sometimes laughing at those fiddly moments can bring you and your partner(s) closer, making the moment feel less rehearsed and more organic. 

"Give yourself grace and think about this as an exploratory process for you and any partners. Also, remember most sex is imperfect sex so it's totally common to feel awkward at first," Dr. Jennifer Litner told us. "Try taking deep breaths, reminding yourself that everyone who is sexually active has a 'first time' and you're likely going to learn a lot in the process and (hopefully) have some fun!"

One of the best ways to feel more comfortable early on is to choose the location of your first time, or first few times, wisely. If you live with others and are worried about interruption, try a hotel room or head to your partner's place. If you feel most yourself in your own home and don't mind anyone you live with potentially meeting your partner(s), then invite them over to yours.

Some sapphic sex-havers are upfront about their preferences, embracing labels like top or bottom, or dominant or submissive. But remember that there's no need to label your sexual desires if you don't want to, especially in the early days of exploring sapphic sex, when you're still getting to know yourself. As Dr. Jennifer Litner explained, "[Labels] do not tell the full story about what a person likes when it comes to sex."

By labelling yourself or by attempting to define your sexuality and preferences early on, you may find that you limit your pleasure. Having an open mind when it comes to new sapphic sex experiences is the best way to find out what works for you. Just make sure that you're communicating with your partner(s) every step of the way. 

In any sexual experience, it's incredibly important to make your boundaries clear before entering into any physical activity. "I encourage partners to get specific about their desires, safety needs and communication cues before becoming sexual with their partner(s)," Dr. Jennifer Litner shared. The first few times you try sapphic sex, you may need to set more boundaries than usual to feel comfortable, and that's okay. Before getting intimate, it may help to choose a safe word that, once uttered, ends all sexual activity immediately.

You may find you don't know your boundaries until after your first time, or first few times, which is why checking in with your partner(s) after sapphic sex is just as important as it is before and during. You have every right to say no at any point during a sexual encounter, regardless of what you may have discussed or agreed upon beforehand. If the person or people you're sleeping with doesn't respect your boundaries, you're absolutely entitled to end your relationship with them.

It may feel uncomfortable to have the sexual boundary conversations at first, but the more you do it, the more confident you'll become and the better sapphic sex, or any sex, will feel. "It can feel artificial because it's not a conversation we're used to having, unless our boundaries have been violated. Over time, it can feel more natural, and you kind of make it your own," clinical psychologist Erika Lawrence told Women's Health.

When it comes to foreplay, sapphic sex is no different than any other sexual encounter. It's still very important to get one another excited and work up to more intense sexual experiences, especially if you're planning penetration. Not only can foreplay make sapphic sex feel more exciting, it can increase blood flow to the vagina to make penetration easier and more comfortable. How you engage in foreplay will depend on what you and the person (or people) you're getting intimate with enjoy, which is (again) why communication is imperative.

Need a few ideas? Certified sex therapist and relationship expert, Aliyah Moore, told Grazia, "To create excitement and desire, take your time getting to know each other's bodies through kissing, touching, and teasing." She shared that this kind of foreplay can be particularly exciting before acts like scissoring. 

Dr. Jennifer Litner recommends getting wet, literally. "Lather one another in soap in the shower or bath, give one another a full body massage, listen to an erotic story, bring in some fun or unexpected props, discuss sexual fantasies," she suggested. You may also find that dimming the lights and lighting a few candles creates a sexier mood. If you want to be a little more adventurous, try giving dirty talk a go or blindfolding your partner(s) before touching them (with their permission). 

Many experiences feel less daunting when we know what to expect, so if you're unsure what sapphic sex looks like or what you can do, it can help to do some research first. Watching ethical sapphic porn for a visual demonstration may help ease anxiety. It can be done alone or with your partner, which may actually bring you closer together.

Another way to feel more comfortable about sapphic sex is to speak to someone who has experience with it, such as a close friend or family member you trust. "A lot of us feel embarrassed about sexual desires, preferences, experiences, or struggles that are actually common, but we don't learn how common they are until we talk about them," Suzannah Weiss, feminist writer and journalist, explained to The Good Trade.

Speaking about sex can also help to broaden our horizons, which can be super helpful before trying something for the first time. "[Talking about sex] lets you hear more various points of view about sex," Carol Queen, sexologist and author, said. "[It] might open doors in your own sex life." Not only can hearing about other people's sapphic sex experiences help you feel less alone, but you may also learn new moves, get foreplay ideas, or receive safe sex advice. Just remember that your friends aren't therapists, so if you have serious concerns about sapphic sex, it's better to seek out a professional by visiting a sexual health clinic or sex therapist.

When engaging in sapphic sex, try not to compare it to any sexual experiences you may have had before — especially heterosexual sex. An open mind is key, and if you're too reliant on things you learned with a penis-having partner, it may stop you from trying new things or listening to what your partner(s) want. Not only can comparison take you out of the moment and make things feel robotic, it's just not helpful. Your partner and their genitals are different, so there really is little point linking sapphic sex to heterosexual sex.

If you haven't had any sexual experience before starting sapphic sex, it's still just as important to be receptive to new ideas as long as they don't cross your boundaries. Mutual exploration is key, so ensure you choose a partner (or partners) who make you feel comfortable to try new things. After all, there are so many ways to have sapphic sex, so why limit yourself? "There are numerous ways for queer women to please each other and increase their intimacy, ranging from oral sex to manual stimulation, from playing with toys to exploring various positions," Aliyah Moore pointed out to Grazia.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with helping yourself reach orgasm during a sexual encounter, and sapphic sex should be one of the safest times to do it. "I like to remind people that they are responsible for their own pleasure. If you need to take things into your own hands (pun included) that's a-okay," Dr. Jennifer Litner exclusively shared with Women. "Unlike heteronormative sexual scripts that often encourage females to focus on their male partner's orgasm, queer sex gets to write a different story. Prioritize your pleasure," she added. One of the best things about sex with a vulva-having person? Unlike many heterosexual sexual encounters, it can keep on going even after one of you orgasms.

If you don't feel uncomfortable masturbating in front of someone else, just remember that some partners may be turned on by watching you pleasure yourself and that masturbation can work as a form of foreplay. Pleasuring yourself can also give you a greater understanding of your body and how you like to be touched, which you can then communicate to your partner. And that's particularly vital when you're just starting out.

When you're starting your journey with sapphic sex, communication really is the most important thing you can practice — and that includes speaking up when something feels good. Too often, we let our partner(s) know what we don't want or what doesn't feel good, but forget to tell them when they're doing something we like. It's also often easier not to vocalize what we want done to us. "There's a lot of research showing that couples who have better communication have better sex lives. They're not afraid to talk about sex, and they're not afraid to ask for what they want," psychotherapist Rachel Sussman explained to Prevention.

Not only will verbalizing your pleasure let your partner(s) know how best to satisfy you, it may also increase their enjoyment, too. Many people get turned on by knowing their partner is having a good time, leading to better sex for both of you. Equally, because there are so many ways to have sapphic sex, telling your partner explicitly what you like can save you both a lot of time.

Though two vagina-having people can't get pregnant through sapphic sex, it's definitely still possible to pass on STIs. "Use dental dams and condoms (internal/external) regularly to prevent transmission of STIs and regularly communicate with your partner(s) about any known health conditions or symptoms that may impact your sexual decisions," Dr. Jennifer Litner said. Health officials also recommend avoiding oral sex if anyone involved has mouth sores or cuts, such as cracked lips.

If you're using sex toys, they should be washed thoroughly in soapy water and a condom should used before each person. Your hands also need a thorough wash before sapphic sex, as this can prevent not only the spread of STIs, but non-sexual viruses, too. No matter what your relationship status is, we should all be getting STI tests every year, too. Not only for our own health, but to keep those we're intimate with safe as well.