How To Handle Being Asked About Your Body Count (Not That It Matters)

No matter how you identify sexually, chances are the body count topic has come up at least once in the dating game. Your body count refers to how many people you've had sex with, and, although it's no one's business but your own, it can sometimes be made into a far bigger deal than it is. Unfortunately, those who identify as women are particularly at risk of being shamed for their number, all too often by cisgender men. "The hypocrisy around a woman having sex is historical, and sadly, still current," Susan Winter, relationship expert and bestselling author of "Breakup Triage; The Cure for Heartache," tells Women. "Men are lauded for their body count and their reputation is elevated amongst their peers. Women are condemned and oftentimes categorized as loose, permissive, and cheap. And most certainly, not 'girlfriend material,'" she added. "'Body count' is a trophy for men, but a devaluation for women."

So, what do you say if someone asks for your body count number? And how to you handle it if someone judges you for it? Whether you feel open to sharing your exact figure or not, we've broken down the best responses for this often-uncomfortable (but all too common) conversation.

One of the most important things to remember if someone asks your body count number is that you don't have to tell them. How many people you've been intimate with is personal and isn't information that your partner, casual date, friends, family, or anyone else for that matter, has the right to know. "It's a disrespectful question to begin with, so why should it even matter? Turn it around and ask them to disclose their net worth (along with their last tax return)," Susan Winter suggests. You should also resist the urge to lie, no matter if you're tempted to over- or under-inflate your figure. "People will judge you no matter what answer you give when asked about past lovers and the assumption they make is usually wrong," author and columnist Tracey Cox told Pulse.ng. "I don't care who's doing the asking ... your answer to how many lovers you've had is no answer."

Some people may ask your body count as a way of discussing sexual health, but that's a totally different conversation. It's imperative in a new relationship or sexual encounter that you both, or all, discuss your sexual health beforehand to keep everyone safe. However, as long as you get tested for STIs each year (no matter what your relationship status) and you're practicing safe sex, how many people you've slept with is irrelevant.

You don't have to tell anyone how many people you've been with, but it's okay to share it if you genuinely want to. Just consider the repercussions first. Once your number is out there, there's no taking it back. And, particularly when shared with a new partner you're still getting to know, it could lead to repercussions you're not ready for. "I believe that unless one can really handle the truth, then this conversation should be left undiscussed," relationship expert and author Alexis Nicole White told Elite Daily. Board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan Edelman shared a similar sentiment, noting you must be prepared for their reaction. "When you open this can of worms, it can backfire ... Sometimes a man will think the number won't bother him, but when he actually finds out, he flips out," she said. The body count question can also be an entryway into other uncomfortable discussions, such as exactly what you did with past partners. "It could be a precursor for insecurities to develop moving forward," White noted.

However, there can be benefits to divulging that part of your past. If you consider yourself to be in a loving, mutually respectful relationship, knowing more about your partner's past may strengthen your bond and help you understand them better. "Honesty creates intimacy. Having a safe place to have these difficult discussions will bring you closer as a couple," Susan Winter tells Women.

If someone won't stop asking about your body count, initiate an open discussion about why it's unimportant — no matter if your number is high or low. Being intimate with multiple people doesn't prove misconceptions like you've been intentionally promiscuous or are more interested in sex than deeper relationships (though there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're upfront about your intentions). "A person's body count may reflect their comfort in being sexual. It may also indicate that they've been actively dating and in search of the right type of partner. Oftentimes, the hunt for the right partner can unintentionally elevate a woman's body count," Susan Winter explains. A person's past also doesn't always reflect their intentions for the future.

If you feel comfortable, you could also discuss why your number is what it is (whether you disclose the exact figure or not). "Sometimes, a high body count reflects deeper issues. A woman seeking validation or affirmation of her attractiveness might use sex as a form of confirmation. It may also stem from a deep yearning for human contact, where sex is the only understood means of attaining that closeness," Winter shares. After all, craving a connection can be why many people get intimate too soon in a relationship. But only delve into your past in such a candid way with someone you truly trust.

Susan Winter explains there are a few questions to ask someone who seems intent on learning body count. "Ask them why," she says. "What does it signify to them? What do they believe it implies? Is this an authentic belief, or is it something shaped by social conditioning?" Though these questions may not feel comfortable, they will allow you to better understand your partner and any insecurities they may have. "There is an off-chance that your partner is concerned that you've had more sex and better sex than they have. Perhaps they think they won't please you. So before you jump to conclusions and attack them, really try to hear what they're saying," Winter shares, noting it's best to come from a neutral place so they feel they can be open, not judged.

There are several other reasons someone may want to know your number that aren't necessarily negative. A person inquiring about your sexual past may be trying to connect with you or looking to feel more comfortable about their own body count (or lack thereof). If it's a close friend asking, they may wish to have a deeper conversation about sex and intimacy that relates more to their own experiences than yours. Asking their intentions will allow you to answer from a more understanding, less defensive place.

If you divulge your body count, don't let reactions define you. No matter if it's low, high, or where you want it to be, the number has no relation to who you are as a person or your worth. If someone tries to make you feel less than because they consider your number high, that's slut-shaming (also known as sex shaming, which Emily Ratajkowski has flawlessly shut down), a form of bullying. And it's completely unacceptable. One of the best ways to combat slut-shaming is to educate others by making it clear you're not ashamed, even if you choose not to share your number. "Sex is a natural part of life but by breaking down the stigmatization around sex and sexuality is to feel empowered and confident to talk about sex — everyone has a right to feel safe and comfortable," Red Umbrella ambassador Katie Salmon told Glamour U.K. She also recommended being kind to yourself. As long as your past experiences were between consenting adults, there's nothing to be ashamed of. "Nothing heals without you examining the shame and guilt and with that practicing self-compassion — it's trusting that we are worthy, replacing that shame with love and acceptance," she said.

If someone considers your number too low, that's also not a reflection of you. A lower body count doesn't mean you're unable to attract partners, aren't sexually mature, or anything else someone may try to project onto you.