How To Hookup With Your Ex (Without Making It Weird)

It's common for exes to get intimate after a breakup. But why go back? "Hooking up with an ex can be exciting and give you a rush of dopamine making you feel what you felt during the relationship," Michelle Shahbazyan, relationship expert and marriage and family coach, exclusively tells Women. "The idea of reconnecting with your ex can feel almost irresistible, even if you know deep down they aren't your person," she says. SKYN Condoms' sex and intimacy expert Dr. Chris Donaghue further explained to AskMen, "Sex with an ex feels safe and comfortable for a lot of people. The comfort and familiarity of sex with an ex is a valuable bridge back out into singledom, while keeping each other company and enjoying many of the things that brought you together." Slipping back into bed with a former lover can sometimes feel weird, but there are ways to make it more comfortable.

Before we get into that, we aren't giving you permission to get back with your ex if either of you are in a relationship, or if any capacity of abuse was involved in your former one. Equally, if you want to rekindle the relationship, don't get intimate. It's better to communicate your feelings, as sleeping together will only complicate things. However, if your split was reasonable and you're just looking for no-strings-attached sex with a familiar face, here's how to make the most of it.

To prevent an awkward hookup, keep things simple. "Go in, get what you want, and get out," Michelle Shahbazyan suggests, as overcomplicating the situation rarely ends well. "Go in with intention, remembering exactly what you hope or might get out of the experience," she adds. It's also a good idea to avoid talking too much about the past, which may be a sensitive subject. "Overanalyzing or revisiting things from the past can make things weird," says Michelle.

Another way to keep things straightforward is to limit how many people know about your tryst. It can be useful to confide in your friends and family about your personal life, but divulging too much could complicate things — as you'll likely find an avalanche of opinions coming your way. After all, our friends aren't therapists and even their most well-intentioned advice may not be the most practical. They may also have a skewed opinion about your ex and your relationship, either from things they witnessed from the outside or from stories you've told. "Keep the hookup separate from mutual social circles to avoid gossip or more problems," Shahbazyan recommends.

There are so many cute rom-coms where a couple falls back into bed and realizes immediately after they were soulmates all along. In real life though, things aren't that simple and the issues that ended the relationship the first time will likely still be there. Connell Barrett, founder of Dating Transformation and dating coach for The League, told AskMen, "The lens of passed time can blur the pain of the breakup, and you're left with the good memories. This can create a powerful yearning." You may find your memory of the breakup is different from what actually went down, so take off your rose-colored glasses and be honest with yourself. "Before hooking up with an ex, take a moment to reflect on how the relationship ended and why. Remember the challenges you faced and the reasons you chose to part ways," Michelle Shahbazyan says. "This isn't the start of something new, it's another moment in time." 

Don't forget this is about having a good time with an end date, it's not about rekindling a relationship with a past love. If you think back to your split and find you have unresolved feelings, things were particularly complicated, or there was intense animosity, think twice about whether or not hooking up is the right move.

Sex with an ex can rekindle unresolved emotions and diminish your ability to make smart decisions, so you must create a mental plan for how you want things to unfold before you start. That includes a reasonable timeframe to end things, as a hard limit will stop the temptation to enter into friends-with-benefits territory (though that's okay if it's what you want). "Plan when to make an exit and leave on a high note," Michelle Shahbazyan says. For example, if you're home for the holidays and your former love is around, make sleeping with them in the New Year a no-go. But don't be afraid to cut that timeline short if things aren't working out. 

Shahbazyan also suggests having things in place so you can keep busy once the hookup ends. "[That will] avoid lingering emotional entanglements," she says. That may involve setting up a date with someone you're interested in having a relationship with. Stay busy during your entanglement too by taking up a new hobby, hanging out with friends, or trying a new project to keep your mind busy and not focused on your physical interactions. "You can return to [these] once the dopamine roller coaster is over," Shahbazyan explains, making it less likely you'll feel down once you go your separate ways.

Hooking up with an ex should be about sex. It may sound romantic to bookend your time between the sheets with a visit to a restaurant or a trip to the movies, but be honest about what's really going on. Spending too much time together outside the bedroom can risk deeper feelings developing and may make it feel like you picked up where you left off, which isn't always healthy. "Avoid hanging out before or after to keep the focus on the physical rather than rekindling an emotional connection," Michelle Shahbazyan reminds us.

You may also want to put a time limit on your bedroom time, as staying together for hours could result in pillow talk and unresolved feelings. Leaving as soon as the deed is done limits the risk of your relationship moving from no-strings sex into the romantic or friend zone. After all, breaking free from your ex may be healthier than holding out hope for a friendship.

As with any romantic entanglement, boundaries are imperative. This means clarifying the situation is about sex and nothing more. "Make sure there's a mutual understanding about what the hookup means and avoid any comments or actions that might confuse or hurt the other person," Michelle Shahbazyan exclusively tells Women. Not only will this help you take the situation at face value, but also ensures neither of you will have unrealistic expectations. Once those boundaries have been communicated, Shahbazyan suggests having regular check-ins with yourself. "Ask yourself: does reconnecting align with my goals? Is it the way you want to spend your time moving forward? Is this hookup likely to create a memory that combines amazing highs with inevitable disappointments? Or is it better to move on to new and healthier connections instead?" she says. "Be strong, remind yourself of your worth, and keep your independence," she adds. Check in with your former partner too to be certain they're still on the same page, and don't be afraid to cut things off if feelings or circumstances change.

As long as your communication is strong, sex with your ex can be a stress reliever and a way to learn about yourself without the awkwardness of getting intimate with someone new. But it can have its downsides. "Holiday hookups with an ex can be tempting and risky. The key to doing them right is having self-awareness, clear boundaries, and emotional detachment," Shahbazyan says.