How To Recognize & Shut Down Manipulation From Your Partner

Manipulation can be a common human behavior. But it has no place in a healthy relationship. Any time you feel you've been manipulated by a partner, it's important to take action. "Things need to be taken very seriously when you are feeling unsafe, controlled, or when your needs are disregarded frequently," Judith Aronowitz RN, LCSW, exclusively tells Women.

Manipulative behaviors take place when someone prays on your weaknesses to get their own way. It can come in several different forms and, sometimes, it can be harder than you think to know it's happening. But there are a few tell-tale signs. If your partner regularly gives you ultimatums (which aren't just a bad idea, they're also toxic), makes you feel guilty when they don't get what they want, behaves poorly until you give in to them, or points out your shortcomings and compares you to others to lower your self-esteem, it's a red flag. They may also engage in negging (where they insult or undermine you), constantly lie to gain power, or gaslight you (which is also a common tactic to disguise cheating). Once you've identified the signs, it's time to shut it down and start being treated the way you deserve. And there are a few ways to do that.

The first step to shutting down a manipulative partner is having an open conversation about your feelings. Go into it intending to share how their behavior has affected you, and set clear boundaries to stop it. Though it may feel uncomfortable, Judith Aronowitz points out, "Boundaries are a part of healthy and balanced relationships." What those boundaries are is unique to you and your relationship, but consider how you want to feel and the actions they can take to help you get there. "When setting boundaries, you want to state your needs," Aronowitz explains. 

She recommends being concise to eliminate confusion and using "I" statements to convey your needs. The more direct with your partner you are, the better, because this is a serious conversation. Avoid placing blame on your partner, as that could be triggering and counterintuitive. 

Also, remember it isn't all about you. "Notice if your partner is hearing you and understanding your concerns," Aronowitz says. There's a chance they didn't realize how their behavior was affecting you. If that's the case and they're willing to work on themselves, discuss that as well as having an open dialogue about the state of your relationship. "This can be a time to assess if the relationship is a satisfying one and if both parties can respect each other's wishes," Aronowitz says. "Relationships thrive when partners are able to listen to each other and accept responsibility for their actions."

Just as important as setting boundaries is having consequences for not respecting them. As Judith Aronowitz suggests, your partner needs to know exactly what will happen if they don't respect you. "Make sure your partner is aware of the consequences of the boundary violation," she says. What the consequences are is up to you, but you may choose to spend some time away from them if they don't respond positively to your boundaries. This can also allow you time to reflect on the relationship without them around. Equally, if their behavior comes from a malicious place and they're not willing to listen, a breakup may be the only option. Especially if you feel unsafe. "If there is ever force, threats, or you question your safety it may be time to call it quits," Aronowitz admits.

The best way to convey your consequences is to be as confident as possible and remember your self-worth. Assertiveness will show how serious you are, as manipulative people are constantly looking for weaknesses.

In some cases, seeking the help of a professional may be the only way to effectively deal with a manipulative partner. As Judith Aronowitz explains, "When you are trying to discuss how you feel and set boundaries and your feelings are frequently disregarded, it's time for professional help and to evaluate if this is a satisfying and healthy relationship." A professional may be able to identify manipulation tactics you haven't.

You may find sharing your feelings with a third party in a controlled environment makes the relationship stronger. "When there is open and honest communication and feelings are validated, a relationship can improve and grow. Partners need to feel safe to express themselves," Aronowitz reminds us. Therapy could also be the best way to get to the root of your partner's manipulative tendencies. "Having a discussion about manipulation in your relationship can uncover underlying issues of insecurity, trauma, and other deeper issues informing the behavior," Aronowitz says. Truly listening and talking things through can help you to understand your partner and their behavior better to decide if this is a relationship worth staying in. 

But remember, therapy is only a good idea with someone willing to better themselves who isn't already making you feel unsafe. If your partner has been abusive, physically or verbally, a breakup is always the better option.