17 Ali Wong Quotes That Are Too Good Not to Share

Ali Wong in Netflix's original movie, Always Be My Maybe
via Netflix

It's time for some belly laughs.

Laugh Your Ass Off When You Read 17 Ali Wong Quotes Today

Ali Wong is a hilarious actress and comedian. If you haven't seen her in action sign into your Netflix account ASAP. She has so many projects under her belt, it's obvious as to why we all love her! Her honest jokes about motherhood are especially refreshing. So if you need a dash of humor today, take a look at some hilarious Ali Wong quotes.

You'll laugh, you'll cry (because, ya know, of the laughing) and you'll want to watch her latest movie, Always Be My Maybe available on Netflix today!

Funny Ali Wong Quotes

  • "Because 18 year-old girls, they could just eat like shit and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right?"

  • "I can also tell that I'm getting older, because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library. I'm not interest in books like Fifty Shades of Grey okay? I'm interesting in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up."

  • "You wanna be a grown-ass woman? Stop dating skaters. Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen. They're sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside."

  • "My dream, my goal for the longest time was to be a trophy wife, but then I found out that in order to be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque."

  • "All I ever wanted was more money for less effort. I just wanna collect checks in my pajamas. Play a piece of tofu in a Pixar movie or something."

Ali Wong Quotes About Parenthood

  • "I joined a mom's group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don't find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun, but when you're a new mom on maternity leave, it's like The Walking Dead - you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive."

  • "Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now."

  • "The more glitter the better, because when you're a mom you need sparkle to compensate for the light inside of you that has died."

  • "When you're pregnant, you're hungry, tired, and fat, so you have this ‘I don't give a fuck' attitude that lends itself really well to performance. You let go of all dignity and shame, and it's beautiful."

  • "I wear the kind of bra where if you put it on the floor, the floor would have boobs."

  • "A lot of people like to ask me ‘Ali, how on earth do you balance family and career?' Men never get asked that question. Because they don't. My husband occasionally changes diapers, and when people hear that, confetti everywhere. When my baby girl was first born I would do skin-on-skin contact everyday to bond with her. She shit on my chest. Where's my confetti?"

  • "It's so sexist when people ask me, well, if you're here, then who's taking care of the baby? Who the fuck do you think is taking care of the baby? The TV is taking care of the baby, okay? The windows are open, she's got gummy bear vitamins on her lap, she's fine."

Ali Wong Quotes

  • "If a man has a Pinterest page, he's probably Pinterested in men."

  • "DIY stands for "you should've married someone with more money."

  • "Yoga is Simon says for adults who have lots of free time."

  • "I wear the kind of bra where if you put it on the floor, the floor would have boobs."

  • "That's when you know you've made it. When you're eating a mango that was sliced by a dude named Noah."

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